Questionable Content strip by strip/2

1001 to 1100

1001 Hanners and Winslow try to make coffee (Non-sentient machines)

1002 Hanners: "WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!" "I think I understand why Faye's so surly sometimes!" Marten: "No shirt, no shoes, no dental floss, no service."

1003 Thongs to the Y? Embarrassing (and a full-on view of Dora's Tattoo)

1004 Marten made the "second worst latte she's ever tasted." The worst: Faye "brewed" some potting soil instead of coffee grounds (hippies!)

1005 "Hah. This from the boy who loses all motor control when I nuzzle your neck."

1006 Everything I know about relationships I learned from Leo Fender

1007 Uno between Pintsize/Hanners/Winslow; "Lush's bottom" pun (In space, no one can hear you groan.)

1008 Marten doesn't care for foie gras; Reverse Strip Poker! Reverse Monopoly would be a communist revolution?

1009 Pintsize is an aggressive bettor (with panties?); Cleaning services in Western MA stopped returning her calls a long time ago.

1010 Package from John Ellicott; "latest prototype... a ROBOT BOYFRIEND?... Mad-scientist laugh, have you been taking your medication?"

1011 "Dip my toe in the dating pool"; Father's dream: building daughter's suitor from scratch! His "bait and tackle are still in beta"

1012 Winslow: "Am I being replaced?" You can upload AnthroPC personalities! "I have THUMBS! And FINGERS!" Faye: "My chest is not the Make-A-Wish Foundation!"

1013 Winslow crosses the Uncanny Valley; "Great, we've gone from I, Robot to The Terminator."

1014 Dora: "Are you getting flashbacks to your first date?"

1015 "Hey, Pintsize." "AAAGH! WINSLOW?" "If you had opposable thumbs, you'd be a threat to civilization."

1016 Hanners: "...send it back, don't keep in closet." Faye: "Everyone has a few roboexoskeletons in their closet" (Literally: Pintsize's old chassis)

1017 No dialogue comic: The Scarlet Letter! (Hanners pinches RoboBoyfriend's tush)

1018 "Thinly Veiled Personal Metaphor Blues"; Brian Eno's Oblique Strategies cards (in the bedroom?)

1019 OMG Turkeys 2007!

1020 ROBO-INQUISITION! Marten: "Sentence Commuted." Rule of Thumb: He who has the thumbs makes the rules. Godwin'ed? "reductio ad Hitlerum"

1021 What rhymes with "philandering"? The CoD house band!

1022 New Guitar to practice; Tai Fighter and her Sequencing Beats (DJ Awkwardd Beatz – Mopey Stress-core!)

1023 New WIKIPEDIO'S!

1024 Modern Sexuality Class Questionnaire; Sleeping with Dora is more like a post-soccer-match riot

1025 Dave with the pink shirt and Steve; Why'd they break up?

1026 Domestic Violence is wrong. And I really like Cheerios!

1027 Meena cheated on him. And he forgave her. She ended the four-year relationship; Dave is TOO PERFECT! He:

• NEVER gets Mad!

• rarely makes mistakes.

• Immediately acknowledges and tries to fix things when he does

• Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

• Is studying to be a Doctor to "help the children"

• Is a CHURCH-goer

• Donates money to charities

• Spends 15 hours a week helping the homeless (he does have to sleep sometime)

1028 "You're not perfect!" Steve: "Thanks. So glad to know that I'm in you league."

1029 Dave overheard the conversation... "If I really was crazy I might not know if I'm a serial killer, so I can't rule it out."

1030 Go with it or RUN LIKE HELL. "Raven has some rather... grandiose ideas about my man-tackle."

1031 Mrs. Bianchi = Dora's head on Heidi Klum's body; Faye vs. Mr. Bianchi

1032 Meet the 'rents; "Don't sell Dad pot" (ex-boyfriend Jerry) Oh, and only have ONE brownie.

1033 Tai: Register for the wedding at Urban Outfitters or Salvation Army? Marten: "She doesn't have a sister." In 18 years or so I'll be ready to settle into a nice comfy May/October relationship.

1034 Marten, Dad and The Secret Handshake

1035 Dora's Mom; "Reminds me of that bondage lady... Veronica?" Dora (after blushing): "Wow, she didn't even pick up on it." Dora gets her looks from mom, Sven from Peter's brother Joseph

1036 The Leather Pants of DOOM!

1037 Faye & Pen speculate on how high the parents; Faye: "I think you're mistaking bisexuality with substance abuse." Pen: "I think THEY were."

1038 YELLING BIRD appears in QC! (Originally a character from Indietits, appearing on Apr. 17, 2005; became a "regular" filler strip on QC)

1039 Love is... (Defined by the QC staff.)

1040 Dad and Marten, Mom and Dora; "So... you stole him."

1041 Had to fight off other girls for dad? (conversation while mom is rolling a joint) Mom: "First one you've brought home I'd sleep with." Dora: "YOU'RE WINDOW SHOPPING IN MY WARDROBE!"

1042 Coloring Page (What came out of the box?)

1043 Peter and Elssa Bianchi; spent a weekend in the Mojave Desert high on peyote taking pictures of scorpions (may have met Hunter S. Thompson); Kilimanjaro, Pirates in the South Pacific, slapped Nancy Reagan on the... WHAT?

1044 Dad is a photographer; freelancing, mostly National Geographic... "What do your parents do?... WHAT?... prol'ly TMI." "It's okay, your daughter..."

1045 Avoid Contact Highs; Brushing teeth and washing hands (and a confused Dora)

1046 Little Stoner Girlfriend; Hanners gave up smoking; did it just to prove she could do it – she was on powerful anti-anxiety pills at the time; explains the stalking? "No, just me being my creepy self."

1047 Faye: "No awkward moments?" Marten: "Your dad used to jerk off to pics of my mom." Dora: "What? Not him too?" (pause) "I didn't have access to any other erotica!" [2008]

1048 The risqué stuff would be... creepy. "I'm just sayin'..." STOP IT.

1049 Penelope Rises and Shines! Faye... not so much. "You. Did. NOT. Just call me FAT."

1050 Penelope: "LOOK AT MY ASS AND TELL ME IT'S PRETTY!"

1051 "She made me WALK from the Gym!" "YOU CALLED ME FAT!" Gladiatorial combat (Two girls enter! One girl leaves!)

1052 Okay, bad idea. Docking you BOTH... "Early onset UNEMPLOYMENT."

1053 Hanners BROKE HER DRUMSTICK! "Lost Home for Widowed Drumsticks"

1054 Music Store trip with Hanners: Professional Cymbal Tester?

1055 Raven: My Boyfriend from CANADA! "...Raven, you're dating a Hobo." (not Makeout Hobo)

1056 Hanners went to the music store and bought a GONNGGGG!!!! ("Brain... no... worky...")

1057 Pintsize vs. the Roomba (with the gong): "His power level, it's over 9000!"

1058 Faye and Dora in undies in the kitchen; bikini line looks GREAT! (You are so WEIRD when you're half-asleep) [Note on the fridge: MARTEN, TOUCH THE MILK AND YOU DIE. <3 FAYE]

1059 Those "feelings" for Marty; "Oh I'm plottin' your downfall... not because of Marty, Just plain ol' orneriness. Makes me tingly." (We have GOT to get you LAID.) [The note's gone]

1060 Pushing my boundaries on sex : bulldozing a dike in Holland – Hundreds of dead, lots of sogginess

1061 Benji the Canadian Hobo (boyfriend of Raven); "Here's ten bucks and a monkey wrench."

1062 "Differently employed"; Classical guitarist! "Six pack of Labatts to get in the mood" for off-key rendition of Bobby McGee.

1063 Hanners: Raven's dating a STREET MUSICIAN? Dora relates about the old Mental Hospital in town; "functional" ones settled; "THERE COULD BE A CRAZY PERSON LIVING IN MY BUILDING!" (Heaven forbid.)

1064 The Panhandler Mafia:

• Guy with one-string guitar

• Yell-o-phone guy (two notes!)

• Bucket Guy

1065 Third wheels can be fun! (Local necrophiliacs)

1066 Dora: "YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR FIVE GIRLS WHO AREN'T ME????" Marten: "Go damn my honest mouth."

1067 "Love the One You're With" is BS; not dating for convenience, you make me HAPPY. "Throwing yourself at another person isn't romance. It's football."

1068 Hanners: You say it's your birthday?

1069 Hanners is now 22 (for reals); Karaoke show! (Dad threw a surprise party for sweet 16; peed in her pants)

1070 YELLING BIRD: Jeph's sick

1071 "Young and gainlessly employed" enjoy Karaoke; hey it's SVEN! "Smarmosaur" with friends from out of town (Jerry? Scott?)

1072 Sign: NO RICKROLLING THE AUDIENCE! Sven's choice of song for Faye: "Fat Bottom Girls" Faye: I'm gonna kill him. Hanners: Please don't, it's my birthday.

1073 "Maybe I'll sing one of those awful songs you write for a living."

• "My Wife Left Me For My Girlfriend"

• "Yankee Is A Four-Letter Word"

• She's Pretty (But She Ain't No John Deere)"

1074 Karaoke Wars! Sven: "You Give Love A Bad Name"; Faye: "You're So Vain" (Dude, you just got served); Sven: "99 Problems" (F: Even Jay-Z can't top Jay-Z!; H: Regularly enumerates their tribulations)

1075 Hanners sings: Row, row, row your boat...

1076 Vodka and Peter Sellers movies at Sven's! (DETOUR – ANY OTHER FEMALE IN EXISTANCE)

1077 Princess (Sven's MALE cat); "He's had a nasty stomach bug the last couple of days." FWINGGGG!!! "Aim. Right." HORK HORK (My clean boxers!)

1078 The "come hither" look; Faye: "Am I blushing? Why am I blushing?" Sven: "My aim was off! Please don't hit me!"

1079 Faye pushes her boundaries: SHE KISSES THE BOY! (While Hannelore gently sleeps – on the couch, of course)

1080 Hanners wakes up and sees Faye and Sven IN BED! AAIGH! Creepy note! Creepy Note!

1081 Faye wakes up! (We will be postponing this morning's scheduled panic attack in order to admire that fine, fine ass.)

1082 Oh, crap, HANNERS! Sven: "I much prefer that form of insanity to the murderous stabby kind."

1083 "Race you upstairs?" "Sure beats cryin'."

1084 Sven: "Oh shit she (Dora) really would kill me."

1085 Who Yelled First?

H: AH! Don't kill me!

F: Just keep it quiet

H: Stop threatening me!

F: I'm not...

H: Yelling at me?

F: You're yelling!

H: You're threatening!

F: AH!

H: AH!

1086 "Uh, sit-ups. I did a lot of sit-ups." (Penny's not getting it)

1087 Pintsize: "How many people get to stop Global Thermonuclear War for their birthday?"

1088 Faye makes an appointment with Dr. Corrine... in the Cave of a Million Asses? [Sign on wall: EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE PUNCHING CUSTOMERS]

1089 Dr. Corrine: "Hang on, let me get some thumbtacks and colored string so we can diagram that..."

1090 THE PARALLELOGRAM:

The relationship diagram in black and white

Dr.C: "What is it exactly that has you all freaked out?... The little voices in your head aren't always correct."

Faye: "I got laid. Woo. High-five."

1091 Dr. Corrine: "If they hate you for this, they're not very good friends... if they're really your friends they'll understand."

Faye: "Why does this have to be so COMPLICATED? ...Don't answer that."

1092 Marten & Dora's day in bed. "Submission slot" (hur hur)

1093 Hannelore can't keep secrets. Dora: "I'm not sure, but I have a sudden inexplicable urge to strangle my brother. That seldom bodes well."

1094 Faye: "Do you want to witness my violent death?" Pen: "Can you wait five minutes? I'll go make some popcorn."

1095 YOU SLEPT WITH HIM? Faye: "Although man, if I WERE a vindictive person, this would be pretty much the ultimate burn on you guys." Dora: "I'm aware." Pen: (munches on popcorn)

1096 Faye: "And, well, we hooked up." Marten: "You did?" Faye: "Yeah... (Dora's angry)" Marten: "It would be harder to stomach if I weren't getting hot hot Dora-sexin' on a regular basis." Faye: "Ever the pragmatist."

1097 Irrational girlfriend paranoia makes Marten a little CRANKY.

1098 I'M BEING IRRATIONAL??? (exit Marten) Wife of Pen's former boss at the bookstore gave him a concussion with the Slimarillion.

1099 Marten: Yeah, we know. Hanners: AHHHHH! Marten: "I'm sure you can catch up on your regular anxieties later."

1100 Going to the Horrible Revelation (first appearance) Marten & Hanners meet up with Steve; Steve: "I'm turning into MARTEN!" Hanners: "I'm scared of dopplegangers."

1101 to 1200

1101 Belittling her anger; "It doesn't matter what you say, it's what she INFERS that counts. This is girl-logic." Dora's like a hive of Angry Bees.

1102 Dave to Steve: "even though I still love Meena, I accept your relationship with her." Marten: "Wait a minute, am I giving YOU a pep talk about GIRLS? WTF?" Steve: "Welcome to Bizzaro World."

1103 Friggin' Women. Friggin' Dudes.

1104 "I'm not drunk. I'm fine. I'm cool." Get it over with (the Law of Humor) "My life's a COMEDY?" Hanners: Horror Movie – she'd either be first to die or the killer in the end.

1105 PT410x Linux-based AnthroPC; "High performance open-source sentient mobile workstation"; My Serial Number; IT'S A HEAT SINK!

1106 Dad said never let a girl go to bed mad at you. Oh, and "If you're gay, don't marry a woman."

1107 Dora's Megadeth to Sven's Metallica:

• Everything's always about HIM.

• Every other girl at school had a crush on him.

• Half my friends were just pretending they liked me so they could sneak up to his room and make out.

• He was Mr. Popular and I was just his weird little sister who had bad skin and wore too much black.

• He doesn't even have to TRY!

• He cruised through HS and college

• He never studied and still got perfect grades.

• Meantime I'm busting my ass to make C's and D's

• Then after school, he writes completely stupid f'ing songs and paychecks come rolling in

• I can barely afford a living wage.

Marten: "At least Megadeth didn't make St. Anger."

1108 Faye's drunk! Hannelore goes off on her: "You are going to SOBER UP and QUIT WHINING because I am NOT PUTTING UP WITH ANY MORE OF YOUR SHIT!" (She's gone critical!)

1109 Hanners: Uh, so... what do you say after sex?

1110 Marten: "She's not evil, she's just a bitch sometimes." (Sassing Faye is like the Purple Heart of our social circle)

1111 Raven's Graphene to Cupcakene! Homeopathic Donut Water!

1112 About yesterday... Raven: "What are you guys talking about?" Uh... petting zoo.

1113 Faye: "I told them." Sven: " Oh, Christ, Dora's gonna kill..." "I think I might kill YOU."

1114 Sven: "Dammit, that's MY job!"

1115 I was over at Sven's... ...TELLING him it was a one-time thing.

Raven: "What's not gonna happen again?

Faye: "Me hooking up with Sven."

Raven: "Nice try, guys. I might not be the sharpest bulb in the box, but I'm not THAT gullible."

1116 "Dooorrrraaaa! Faye broke the ruu-uules!" Raven's Little Black Book; Single-spaced? What do the stars by some numbers mean? "You'll find out" (wink)

1117 Marten fills in Tai; Tai: "Maybe SHE wanted to hook up with Faye!" The mental image... (Gee, just wait about 440 more strips) [Background sign: "Please Respect Your Fellow Students And Shut The Hell Up!"]

1118 Shelf for the Skulls of our Enemies!

1119 Hanners Throws Up! (Morning sickness?) THE KWISATZ HADERACH!

1120 Hanners: "You have to PEE on a STICK!"

1121 "Just nice to know that sex isn't completely out of the question..." (cue Angus!)

1122 Angus tries a Mocha Espresso... and LOVES IT...

1123 ...unfortunately, he is extremely lactose intolerant. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MONTRESSOR!"

1124 Dora: "Faye an' Angus, sittin' in a tree..."

1125 Hannelore: "It's negative!" (Have you SEEN mitosis?)

1126 Yes, they used protection; Sven would be a good dad. "He's good at anything he puts his mind to... (Dora cringes) I didn't mean THAT, you ASS!"

1127 Pintsize and Winslow play with EPT's

1128 Sven talks to Will (first appearance!): "I've never had a woman shut ME down before."

Will's "Ode to the LHC":

O, Prometheus of mass

We come to unchain thee

Not with key, nor torch, nor saw

But a circus of relativity.

Hadrons colliding

A sudden, stable strangelet

devours us all.

1129 Broke up with the Hobo Boyfriend from Canada; "Anarcho-Primitivist – and into anal. Ew."

1130 Sculptural Snickerdoodle! (Bean Destroyer 2000 in the background) No Christo pieces, please.

1131 Tai's "fiction writing"; butt-prints on the copier machine (and reminder to bring Windex next time)

1132 Dora needs to make some copies; "MY girlfriend, MY copier assistance."

1133 Copier "activity"! ...which Dora and Marten walk in on!

1134 Tai: "You're back awful fast. What happened?" NOTHING! Two trustees; how DISCREET; 30% raise? (and change the locks!)

1135 "Oh yeah, like I didn't know you were going off to have sex..." (what's with the 'staches?)

1136 Sven drops in @ COD; Faye has to wash her hair; no, really... Raven can't walk and chew gum at the same time...

1137 Peanut Butter does work! Faye: Pintsize went from "helpful to creepy again..."

1138 Ideal job? Penelope: publisher/literary agent; Raven: Waterslide test pilot (or a sex therapist for millionaires?)

1139 Tattoos and meaning; Dora: "I like kittens!"

1140 Yelling Bird.

1141 Faye's ideal man: Mister Darcy from Pride and Prejudice; Hanners: Mister Clean! (Faye: "I'm pretty sure he's gay." Hanners: "Wouldn't be able to consummate marriage anyways")

1142 Will meets Penelope – and he gets "uncontrollably poetic"; Penelope: "Luscious-fruit and delicious-flower similes are third-date material at best."

1143 Will: "At last, I've found my muse!" (Sven: "Oh God, here we go...")

1144 Hanners: "If you can do it, then maybe it means someday I could be normal too."; Faye: "We're actually very complicated marionettes..."

1145 Hanners: "As far as pathogens go, friendship is pretty okay." Faye: "Common symptoms include an increased sense of well-being, occasional intoxication, and in severe cases ill-advised makeouts."

1146 The "Questionable Shellfish" finally comes back up – and Marten finally gets revenge for strip 185!

1147 Marten: "I'd really rather not associate your boobs with projectile vomiting."

1148 Hanners is stuck in Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty Dirty mode... "Gin. Combine two parts gin with one part freshly squeezed lemon juice and a drizzle of sugar syrup. Add soda water to taste, garnish with a slice of lime.... (Tom Collins?) You don't seriously expect me to clean up barf sober, do you?"

1149 Pintsize & Winslow back from ED-210's robo-bachelor party... "chicks flashing their PCI slots..."

1150 Dora: "Food poisoning has switched to his... other end... Family pack of toilet paper, copy of War and Peace, and a gun with a single bullet." Faye: "Th-that's terrible." Dora: "Oh-oh God Faye, the gun thing, I didn't mean..." Faye: "What?... I hate Tolstoy." [Lemon dress appears to have gone through the wash a few times]

1151 "Not gonna be all 'oh how COULD you I have PROBLEMS' any time someone makes a suicide reference"... Your turn to clean the bathroom, then... Nice try, lazysaurus. [Mocha w/a hair in it, Latte w/apple core, Scone of Bone]

1152 Hanners: "What was the name of the place?" Marten: "O'reilley's Pub and Steakhouse. Why?"

Hanners: "Hey, mom? It's called O'Reilley's Pub and Steakhouse. No, no 'mysterious accidents.' ...Just get some health inspectors in there.... Being the only child of an evil corporate overlord has a few very distinct advantages."

1153 Hanners: "Bwaaaah! I wuh-was just t-trying to huh-huh-HELP!" Marten: "This has been the GREATEST DAY."

1154 With great power comes great responsibility. "It actually doesn't. My mom never woulda gotten to where she is if she thought she was responsible for her actions."

1155 Pigeon and Raccoon attack from above! (Man that vent causes PROBLEMS.)

1156 The Doctor tells Faye her x-rays of her head showed nothing... seriously, she had a minor concussion from the raccoon; "You were screaming about 'raccoon pogrom' and how you'd 'cleanse the earth of their vile little grabby paws.' I had to hold you down while Penny called the doctor."

1157 Walking wounded Faye and Gastronomical Distress Marten; Dora: "I could send Sven over for (a kiss on the head)" Faye: "I make enough bad decisions around him without a concussion." Girls Gone Wild: Head Trauma Edition

1158 And any minute now, Pintsize will do something weird... Er, what? "I didn't feel sufficiently fraught without them."

1159 Do you know something I don't?

1160 Filler: "Sweet-tits" makes her debut (in black-and-white)

1161 "Don't you understand? I got Sven into nerdy chicks!"

1162 "Whoa, whoa, you've got the wrong idea, lady. Sven is my CLIENT." Sven: "She's not a whore, she's my lawyer."

1163 "That was not one of your finer moments."

• "Ill-advised Hookup"

• "Irrational Recrimination"

• "Ice Cream as an Emotional Band-Aid" (I got THAT merit badge forever ago.)

1164 Faye's nice, she's just kinda... crazy. "I didn't think you liked brunettes.... not as attractive as your money... SO glad I only accept checks and money orders."

1165 That's Harriet, Sven's lawyer. Friend from college. If Steve Jobs and RFK had a time-traveling clone-baby, he might be able to get her non-work number. If he went back in time and killed Hitler, she'd consider going to second base.

1166 Dora: "I think she's setting herself up to be hurt. Sven won't put up with her passive-aggressive BS." Marten's the baseline standard for spinelessness.

1167 Sweet-Tits still hates her name (and being dragged out of the shower)

1168 Nightmare on QC (1): Hannelore kills a centipede – and a Giant one says she killed its dad!

1169 Nightmare on QC (2): Marten dreams of Dora and Faye – and wakes up with BOOBS? AIIGGH!

1170 Nightmare on QC (3): Witch Dora catches Marten with a coed; turns them into bunnies – and they keep on humping! And Marten gets punched in her sleep...

1171 Hannelore's recurring dream of DJ Phalliz "Kill your friends, kill them with a knife"

1172 Hannelore, Morbid thoughts, and casting magic missiles (gaining 120 experience points and 25 gold pieces)

1173 Society for Creative Rock Anachronism – Steampunk Rock

1174 SCRA playing at Smith! Terminal Scensterism (see strip 16) and Dora/Marten

1175 Making sure Hanners isn't a cyborg (it could be FireWire)

1176 Hanners worries about Faye getting Rabies (which would be a marked personality improvement)

1177 Band practice? Nat learning how to play? "We... work around her... Imagine a mountain lion trapped in a box full of barbed wire and broken glass. Now throw that box down some stairs."

1178 Nat: "What, I'm not GOOD ENOUGH to be in your stupid band? FINE! I QUIT!... Now help me put my amp in the car." Amir: "Woman you just BROKE UP with me." "But it's HEAVY!"

1179 Sven's get-well card: "Bang Your Head!"

1180 To break up over not being able to play guitar... "I really gotta start dating girls my own age!.. I'm 35... No, really... I got good genes." Hanners: "Wow, they must be a designer brand!" Terrible pun. "Pun?"

1181 Sven: "She's cute when she's off her guard... I'm returning her serve." Dora: "Be careful where you aim your balls."

1182 Amir: "I just realized I'm the Creepy Old Dude At Shows now!" (Meanwhile, Hanners is making faces at drinks she doesn't like...)

1183 Winslow wants to reproduce; Pintsize wants to be cloned ("The concept of millions of copies of you running around is... alarming."); the Roomba is chasing the red cape.

1184 Dora: "You know he thinks this is just a game, right?" Faye: "I've returned the favor... I did a quick sketch of me topless in the bottom of his coffee cup." (Sven is blushing? And is that Sweet-tits in the background?)

1185 Amir's got all these songs in his head (Scrambles the giant purple otter – is that our friend the Tequila Monster?)

1186 Will visits COD, and gets a "tip" from Faye (Dora: "Penelope HATES Hemingway!")

1187 Marten: "You probably shouldn't play the drums in a short skirt." Amir: "You were... flashin' some underpants action... a lot of underpants action... Is it possible for someone to literally die of embarrassment?"

1188 Dora's college slip skirt story (why she has the "Emergency Skirt" at work); "...the back of the slip was semi-transparent. And I was wearing a thong that day."

1189 Sven: "Faye told you that?... Dude, you could just talk to her. It's not that hard to do." (Sven's cat is RELENTLESS when it comes to fuzzy ball playthings)

1190 "I believe you've met my friend Will." GAH! "You're really on a roll with this whole 'make an ass of yourself' thing. What's on the bill for tomorrow?"

1191 Faye: "God, I'm a bitch." Sven: "I've practically got a PhD in treating people like crap myself." Faye: "I should probably go..."

1192 GUEST STRIP: (Chris Daily) Pintsize interviews iPhone 3G

1193 GUEST STRIP: (Zach Weiner) Webcomics Illuminati

1194 GUEST STRIP: (Jeff Zugale) Interspecies Communication

1195 GUEST STRIP: (Rene Engstrom) The "Secret Origin" of Hipster Batman (Sven)

1196 GUEST STRIP: (John Campbell) Minimalist Content

1197 Yelling Bird: The Serenading.

1198 Faye (on his lap): "I told you this wasn't gonna happen again..." Sven: "And yet here we are." (disrobing) "An id is a terrible thing to waste."

1199 Marvin Gaye in the background – no Slayer? "Wrong Bianchi." (Reign In Blood is Marten's anti-Viagra)

1200 Hanners uses a bad AnthroPC word! (ASDF! QWERTY!)

1201 to 1300

1201 Sven: "Is this gonna be a regular thing?" Faye: "What, am I no good in bed? Is that it?" (facepalm)

1202 Dora: "Good Morrrrrnnninng... Seriously though, you do know what you're getting into here, right?" [Cat-hair latte, Litterbox Brownie, Daft Punk @ 200 dB]

1203 Marten introduces Hanners to The Worry Hat

1204 Marten: "Whenever I got scared or had a nightmare as a kid, she'd put the Worry hat on my head and tell me silly stories about how it worked until I felt better."

Hannelore got

[WORRY HAT]!

BRAVERY +10

CHARISMA +5

1205 Will's approach failure ("throbbing desperate tumescence") and Faye's bad limericks

1206 Hanners bangs her head with the worry hat on – literally

1207 Dora consoles Hanners (it's only a little cut); NoHoPo come in asking if anything's wrong ("This young lady just ran down Main Street covered in blood and screaming. That's normally the kind of thing that arouses suspicion.")

1208 Ruination! Failure, calamity, and mortification! "Dude, why were you walking around carrying porn-rhymes?" (Contingencies!)

1209 Hannerlore doesn't clean bloodstains? Dora: "You musta freaked out the first time you got your period." Hanners: "We don't... we don't talk about that day."

1210 Hanners visits Williston Library... and Tai messes with her ("Library Spiders!"). "What lies are you filling her head with?"

1211 ...and someone's pet tarantula just ran across the counter...

1212 Will: "What do I do NOW?... Oh god, I just realized. I LEFT THE POEM THERE." Penelope: "It's... it's actually kinda HOT." Dora: "We should frame it and put it in the bathroom."

1213 Will: "Wait! YOU could apologize for me!" Sven: "What am I supposed to say..." Will: "Remember Eleanor?" Sven: "Aw man, don't call in that favor now..." (back at the shop) "Look, I know he kind of came off creepy, but he's honestly not that bad of a guy." Pen: "Creepy, nothing! We want him to come do a reading of his work!" Dora: "In tights and a codpiece!" Faye: "I call sick-day."

1214 Nobody orders our specials. Faye: "Feh. 'Specialty' coffee drinks are all just namby-pamby flavored crap for people who don't actually LIKE COFFEE."

1215 Dora comes down HARD on Faye's sass: "...Have a smile ready for the next customer!... NOT HORRIBLE RICTUS."

1216 Sven: "They were more amused than anything else." Will wanted a date, too? Sven makes him a box lunch, cause Will's still in HIGH SCHOOL. Will "went to Williston Academy and the SCHOOL lunch there."

1217 "You've never gone all hell-boss on me before." "Landlord came and said he was raising our lease... utilities have gotten a lot higher..." Sexy bank robbers or Blackwater meets Suicide Girls?

1218 Hanner's head hurts. Tai offers to kiss and make better... Eww! (now the Worry Hat has to protect against disgusting fetishes as well)

1219 Uh, Pintsize? Is it true?... NO! I don't want to see any pictures!... any pictures of sexy firemen?

1220 Dora wishes she had a worry hat. "Oral sex and THEN cookies???"

1221 Faye: "Sven and I are acquaintances who occasionally happen to bump into each other. Naked. With our crotches."

1222 Hanners gets her sexy firefighter/EMT pictures... and Winslow CATCHES her!

1223 "This is 4 GB of sexy fireman pictures. Do you really want that on your hard drive?"

1224 Hanners jumps into the arms of the first fireman she sees... "A-actually ma'am, we're just coming around for donations for our annual charity fundraiser."

1225 Dora's pessimistic. "That way when things turn out all right I'm pleasantly surprised." [Van Halen guitar poster in the background!]

1226 Hanners talks to her sexy photo "dealer" Pintsize (firemen are... sweaty)

1227 Faye: "Dora's stressed about expenses"; Raven: "Dora told you about Plan Omega?... No, that's Plan Zeta. They're ranked by risk of STD exposure."

1228 Faye: "I was wondering whose (mouthwash) that was... So you repay my compassion by sexually harassing me?" Dora: "God help you if you ever earn a promotion."

1229 Lydia the Smith College student; met at the Smif benefit dinner last night? Take her on as his intern? Sven: "Oh man, I was Beatles-medley drunk? No WONDER I don't remember."

1230 Lydia: music major with a focus on composition, specifically pop songwriting. "Uh... your little guy is kinda pokin' out the fly of your boxers." Sven: "Welcome to the magical world of professional songwriting. Is it as glamorous as you imagined? (Both blushing profusely)

1231 Lydia: "Yeah, I'm his new intern... Hopefully by the time I get back he'll at least have some clothes on." Dora; "Wow Faye, I didn't think people actually did spit-takes in real life."

1232 "Real work" for Sven (ATM of BankHampton!)

1233 Interns and "Laisse-faire" employment

1234 All right, here's the book:

• "She Dumped Me So I Had Her Trailer Towed"

• "Redneck Ain't My Middle Name (But It Should Be)"

• "Dale Earnhardt Blues"

• "Never Forget to Never Forget"

1235 We could still replace you with a mule or something. "We also share an affinity for kicking. Allow me to demonstrate."

1236 Jeph half-asses the comic! Lazily-rendered robot jokes! Blatant Pandering! Graphic Sex Acts! (all-dark except the eyes)

1237 GUEST STRIP – on Jeph and Cristi's WEDDING DAY!

1238 GUEST STRIP – (Diesel Sweeties crossover – no Lil' Sis to be seen, though)

1239 Will asks Penelope out to dinner! ("I'm sure that's what some of Dahmer's victims said, too." – bad taste, Jeph.)

1240 SHE SAID YES! (extremely ambitious panhandler)

1241 Penelope has had Boytastrophies. Boylamities. Boypocalypses.

1242 Dora: "What kind of guy do YOU want?" Penelope: "Lemme borrow your laptop. I'll make a spreadsheet."

1243 A History of Mental Illness and Treatment from Williston Library (does Hanners have a library card?) Tai: "Know how they used to treat hysteria?... Wanna go play old-timey doctor?"

1244 Hannelore is "too weirded out by physical contact and fluids and stuff. (She) doesn't HAVE a comfort zone."

1245 Marten: "Don't mess with Hanners, please." Tai: "Let's go get my clit pierced!" Marten: "...That may be the greatest non-sequitur in human history."

1246 "You're not SERIOUS?" (Think I recognize that guy in the background of panel three.. and four, too...)

1247 Heavily Tatted Pierced Lady gets ready while Tai STRIPS DOWN? "Last kid who fainted in here woke up missing a kidney, and my Mustang got its engine rebuilt." [Penelope at Lucky's on Main Street in NoHam]

1248 Tai: "Awesome!" Piercing Lady: "No kissing, no licking, no nothing. Not without a condom or dental dam... I have GOT to start going over this with people BEFORE they get their junk pierced."

1249 Tai: "Dora! Dora! I got my hood pierced!" Marten: "My girlfriend is cooing over my boss's vulva like it was a newborn kitten."

1250 Dora: "Does it bother you?... We're both thinking about Tai naked, aren't we."

1251 Lydia's already got the magazine smack down... and the "no sex with the intern" thing, too.

1252 Hanners in the kitchen with Faye, makin' cookies!

1253 AnthroPC tears are toxic!

1254 When humans find themselves leaking an unknown substance, what do they do? "Post pictures of it on the internet!"

1255 Pen's got a date! Pen's got a date! Uh... Will got a bit sideswiped. "I'll take him to the emergency room. I've had worse dates."

1256 "The NERVE of that doctor, to hit on you in front of me!... I'm sorry! I needed something pleasant to concentrate on!"

1257 Pen: "Ooh, rejected in favor of painkillers. Time to go sob over a pint of Ben & Jerry's."

1258 BOOM goes the Espresso machine on Faye! Pen: "Ain't Karma a bitch?"

1259 Will and Sven discuss relationships. Will: "Getting relationship advice from you is like getting sailing instructions from a Bedouin." Sven: "...more like a physicist giving long-division lessons to a ten-year-old."

1260 It's completely RUINED! (Sympathy is healthier than schadenfreude.)

1261 Gonna have to buy a new espresso machine; Dora: "When I told him the model number he started LAUGHING." Faye: "I bet eBay has a whole category for smoldering debris."

1262 Dora: "Oh my God. This is too much! You're being too nice to me!"

1263 Dora: "Can you believe how wonderful he is?... (to Faye) Stop trying to set me on fire with your mind!"

1264 "Hey Sven? It's Faye..." SNAP (pause) (beep boop boop) "Yeah I'll be over around eleven. Bye."

1265 Yelling Bird: HEY GUESS WHAT. IT'S YET ANOTHER CONVENTION WEEKEND WHERE JEPH FORGOT TO BRING THE RIGHT CONNECTORS FOR HIS CINTIQ.

1266 GUEST STRIP: Dr. Corrine sends Jeph a referral check? (Angela Melick of Wasted Talent)

1267 Hanner's new scarf and Theoretical Knitting.

1268 Too much information is too much for whom? "...it's okay if I talk about my sex life. But I'm not into guys!" (Rhetorical vs. Actualized)

1269 Carbon Nanotube Angora? Dora: "Someday we're gonna find out that your dad is really just a plumber and you're a pathological liar."

1270 The New Espresso Machine!

1271 Laundry Day at Casa Sven!

"Can't Get Your Smell Outta My Sheets."

1272 Pirates and Parrots and Poop (oh my!)

1273 Meanwhile, Steve's in another drunken binge...

1274 Sven: "ANTAGONIST with benefits... A good relationship is like fireworks: loud, explosive, and liable to maim you if you hold on too long."

1275 Penelope's Internal Monologue

1276 Hanner's Internal WALL OF MONOLOGUE ("Huh? Oh, nothing.")

1277 Pintsize's Internal Monologue (Pregnant Unicorn Foxes in short pants?)

1278 Sorority chicks and Sorry Tattoos; "You liked tattoos before they got all POPULAR?" [SPECIALS: were pretty good, for a ska band]

1279 LSD as a treatment for OCD? It makes Tai see dragons!

1280 Another Yelling Bird Filler Strip

1281 Penelope's Crappy Romance Novels featuring a time-traveling Viking who becomes a Navy SEAL... (Cristi loves 'em)

1282 "Mar mar mar mar Marrrrr."

1283 OMG Turkeys 2008 (Hanners 'shippers)

1284 Peanut butter sandwiches in the park (Didn't Sven make those for Will?) "I'm only moderately malnourished!"

1285 Meaningful philosophical discussion interrupted by a... BEAR?

1286 "I can't believe you hid behind the bench."

1287 The wildlife show bear (if he became a member of the cast...)

1288 Arguing Metaphysics on a date; Pen's strict religious upbringing; Dora: "You could've just said yes." [SPECIAL: We murder your pet and burn your house - $3⁹⁵ (we find out the rest in 1295)]

1289 Dora: "...that sounds like the kind of argument your parents would use." Pen: "Yes... but, see, they're wrong."

1290 She found them all. All cute. All animals. Except maybe tapirs.

1291 Faye meets Lydia: "No, no, come in and savor the awkwardness. It's so intense it's almost pleasurable."

1292 "Is this really all there is to it?" Gold bricks and diamonds (The simile still stands.)

1293 Tapirs in Hanner's dreams

1294 Raven and the Submacopter!

1295 Hanner's lack of religion didn't help her fear of dying

1296 Lydia relates the Awkwardness to her "boss"

1297 Faye: "Get any more goody-goody and little cartoon animals are gonna start flocking around you." Raven: "I hope there are bunnies!" (I thought she was quitting?)

1298 Chibi AnthroPC Momo! Sony's newest HPC-4100x-series; "...and live eels out my..." (Marten grabs Hanners ears!)

1299 Sorry I covered your ears. Sorry I smacked you in the face.

1300 I WILL NOT GROW A PENIS FOR YOU

1301 to 1400

1301 DARPA didn't like your submacopter idea?

1302 Dora grows her hair out; Marten's view on bondage is more "utilitarian" (showing Tai how to do Japanese rope-bondage) [Note: Dora's hair turns back to her natural blonde when she grows it out]

1303 Happy Holidays from the Ladies of QC!

1304 Yelling Bird does the 12 Days of Christmas

1305 Marten tells mom about what he showed his boss in 1302... "I don't CARE how good I look in a corset..."

1306 Raven the "Deepthroat Chopra."

1307 Faye: "You sleep with someone else and I'm GONE." Sven: "Great! That'll save us both an awkward breakup conversation."

1308 Happy new Year! (Winslow 2009, Pintsize 2008)

1309 Marten: "No, things are great. I just felt bad for bringing it up."

1310 Will's on a journey... to find AMERICA! "Like Kerouac and Cassady before me!"

1311 Faye's Cold; Pen gets a letter from Will (Larry, Whitford and BUTCHER?)

1312 MAHTEN... YOU HAVE TO GET TO MAHS... STAHT DA REACTAH... (Dude, that isn't even Schwarzenegger's LINE.)

1313 Hanners passes out in Marty's arms... "Curse my puny indie rock physique!"

1314 Hanners has the flu – and Marten had a unintentional free show (Dora: "I guess I never have to worry about you cheating on me...")

1315 Hanners in a BioSuit... marinating in your own germs? AUGHHH!

1316 Winslow reboots; The year 2647!? "Breast Pits of Sexicon Eleven"... Stop messing with him!

1317 "I'll try to barf more quietly next time." Dora's maternal instincts kick in. (Mom nom nom!)

1318 Sven: "I can see why Will would do something completely retarded to impress you." (Helen of Troy and Medea!)

1319 Sven is such a PIG.

1320 Do you know who Gina Riversmith is? ("I moved North to escape country music. So, no.")

1321 Hanner's worst fear: Water's out in the building, so it's handi-wipe time! (Lemon singularity!)

1322 Cosette flirts with Marten (A la recherche du temps perdu and The Stand?) "I gotta get some stronger deodorant."

1323 Cosette just made it worse: "Do you know him?" Dora: "CARNALLY. ON A REGULAR BASIS." ("It's Penny's turn to clean up the blood.")

1324 Dora the inquisitor: "Anything interesting happen?" Marten: "Uh, no. Not really." ("It's Raven's turn to clean up the blood.")

1325 "You didn't want me to feel insecure, so you decided to hide the fact that another girl asked you out?" ("I didn't say it was a good plan!")

1326 Upset over being dishonest, upset over this becoming a BS test; Apologize and move on (passive-aggressive)

1327 Makeup Pasta! Dora: "Talk about (crappy) timing." Cosette: "Hi, welcome to…" THUD! THUD! THUD! [Single funniest moment in the strip]

1328 It's late at night, and the sighs are louder (Marten, Faye, Penelope... and Pintsize?) Hanners: "Get out of here!"

1329 There should be apology greeting cards for awkward situations. "Sorry I Outed You To Your Family" (We have a winnah!) [Others: "Was That Your Dog? Oh"; "I Didn't Mean Your Retarded Baby"; "I Guess You're Allergic To Peanuts, Huh"; and "Enjoy the comic, see you Monday"]

1330 Drinkin' Scrabble with Marty, Dora and Faye!

1331 Hanners inquires about the game – but "Not if it's gonna involve that much tickling." Faye: "Sigh. I'll go get the hose." [Is that an "Envy Hat"?]

1332 Faye 'speriments on Hanners; "Vulcan Boob Squish!"

1333 GUEST STRIP (A Girl And Her Fed); Faye gets her dream wish from 1141... unfortunately, it was only a dream (though Sven left Boo-boo with her.)

1334 Gina Riversmith just made herself a target to Faye... (NSFW)

1335 Faye is Muffin Cthulu!

1336 Nostalgia and Modest Mouse?

1337 1337-speak interlude! (n00bz. STFU! IDGI.)

1338 Lydia: "So what's the lovely and talented Miss Riversmith like in person?" Sven: "Not that great in bed..." WHAT?

1339 Lydia: "I'm double majoring in Music and Being a Decent Human Being."

1340 Hanners: "Most I can hope for is an epitaph that says 'She finally snapped like we always knew she would.' So anyway! Wanna get pancakes?"

1341 Sven braces for impact... and... "Awesome."

1342 Post-traumatic Tourette's Syndrome... right in the middle of downtown Northampton!

1343 Dora: "My idiot brother screwed some other girl." Pen: "Gee, THAT's a shocker... and I reeeeally need to learn to think before I speak."

1344 GUEST STRIP (Remedial Comics) Pintsize flameboy!

1345 "See that face, Pintsize? MEMORIZE IT. Because when the robot revolution comes, I want her to be the first one up against the wall." <Pintsize: Actually, we put that on indefinite hiatus. Faye: Damn. Okay, okay, how about if you ever lose your morality programming and go berserk; she's the first one you kill? Pintszie: I think I can do that.>

1346 There's other fish in the sea, Faye.

1347 SMACK! THUD! Dora: "Give me one good reason I shouldn't kick the shit out of you right now."; "'I'm sorry?' That's the best you can do?"

1348 Hanners cheers up Faye with National Geographic Big Book of Kitty Pictures! (sells better than their Big Book of Third World Poverty)

1349 Pintsize tries to be a rebound... "The universe could've undergone HEAT DEATH and it'd still be too soon."

1350 So Steve, what have you been up to? Uh...

• "Dave proposed to me last night. I had to say yes! We were MEANT for each other! Please understand!"

• "Plausible deniability. Nobody would believe you if you tried to expose us... You got a job to do for your country."

• "Tell me vhere ze documents are hidden." (Tortura!)

"You couldn't beat it outta me, bitch."

"Let's see about zat, shall ve?"

• "All my plans... FOILED! By YOU?! Who sent you?! NSA? CIA?"

"The US Department ... of kicking your ass."

"Eh, not much."

1351 "Last I heard, they were trying for kids... Any recent Faye drama I should be aware of?" "Just watch a random episode of Days of Our Lives."

1352 Will's vision quest at Skyclad Acres Nudist Colony?

1353 You want to talk, Faye? We can use puppets! (It was a slow morning.)

1354 Lydia: "You told Faye? It... didn't go well, did it... just gonna keep glaring at me?"

1355 Steve's beard! Hannelore is MORTIFIED! [Steve's T-shirt: I destroyed a secret underground lair and all I got was this lousy t-shirt]

1356 Dr. C: "I see. And how does this make you feel?" "There are two ways to pass a hurdle – leaping over, or plowing through." (There needs to be a monster truck option.)

1357 Dora considers therapy; Faye: "Oh, NOW I get it. You're all driving each other insane!"

1358 The band has hit a roadblock – no guitarist (Amir) and no keyboards (Nat); Steve offers to be a singer; "Dude, they were throwing BOTTLES at your head..."

1359 Faye: "...at least he was honest." (Prancing through a minefield)

1360 Hanners: "Marten, your girlfriend is thinking dirty thoughts about me! Make her stop!"

1361 So who do YOU have dirty thoughts about, Marten?... RAVEN???

1362 "You always have to tell me I'm the prettiest." (Jeph in the background again?)

1363 Angus drops by (hoping an allosaurus got him); he was dating someone who wasn't fond of CoD (snail in a latte); his "housemates" threw a "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" party when they broke up... yesterday? "I came here hoping to get a good hard rebound sass." [1/2 price bagels, 2x price muffins, Bacon Latte]

1364 Yelling Bird meets Webcomics Weekend's Hawk.

1365 GUEST STRIP (Lucid TV): Hanners never can remember her dreams...

1366 No Words Necessary (Winslow's "gift" to Momo isn't appreciated – and Pintsize takes the brunt of his anger)

1367 Why a tentacle? That's it, Octopuses are off the list!

1368 My thrift store hookup vs. My vintage glasses hookup!

1369 Angus: "We've been having an honest-to-god conversation for 20 minutes now!" Faye: "...Y-yeah, well, I'm not giving your REFILL my number either!"

1370 Jimbo! Skank Sci-Fi! Commentary on our current society! (?)

1371 "There was a boy, we were friends with benefits until he slept with another girl, the end." (It's more complicated than that...)

1372 "So you're just being a useless lump for no particular reason, then?" "YAY, my intern is proud of me. Fat lotta ####in' good THAT does."

1373 "Fancy glasses man is fancy... He's not so bad once you get past the smirking remarks." (Smirking remarks, spike pit, laser cave for Faye!)

1374 "I'm onto you" (Tapir's been served!) [Giraffes? Giraffes!]

1375 The Hawk gives up its prey (Yelling Bird!)

1376 I was licked by a giraffe at the zoo! (That's when I started screaming and they made me leave.)

1377 Faye has a cell-phone Libido Argument.

1378 Faye talks to Dora about her Libido argument; "I know just what we need to do." "Pull out everything but his brain-stem so I can use him as my comatose ####-toy?"

1379 Oh, Wow (A Sexuality Shop)

1380 "The GSX-9500. That's my personal favorite."

1381 "I can't take you anywhere." "Can I have, like, the next... hour off?"

1382 Tai couldn't get the confetti ready!

1383 Perfect Play: A Book about Solved Games

1384 Angus is a professional strawman; "I get paid to adopt a position and then lose the debate over it. ...political rallies, news programs, that kinda thing... The guy I was supposed to debate with was a strawmen hired by the other side..."

1385 So, did you call about the glasses?

1386 Only one thing to do: Speed Beer! Competitive Drunken Sledding!

1387 Hanners LOVES it!

1388 Close the shop! It's a drunken sledding party! (Angus tags along with Faye) THEY ARE BUILDING A RAMP!

1389 "Shouldn't we be worried about the police?" (as they pass by with a toboggan) [More "friends of Jeph" in the background – and is that Wil Wheaton again?]

1390 Sven shows up. "More Kim Jong Il than Jimmy Carter."

1391 Angus suggests a snowball to the head of Sven for Faye? [Background Cameos from: Girls With Slingshots, Dresden Kodak, Octopus Pie, Diesel Sweeties, Anders Loves Maria, Wasted Talents, Johnny Wander]

1392 Aw, man, not YELLING BIRD again...

1393 Angus and Faye say goodnight... and Hanners has lousy aim.

1394 Marten needs to talk to Angus. "Joseph Smith meets the Brady Bunch. Great."

1395 Band Mode and Sex Mode?

1396 Faye is now Miss Gin Mistakes Massachusetts

1397 Sharking: Two-finger poke of DOOM!

1398 Tai got dumped by Jill; "...minute I start getting serious about someone I #### everything up."

1399 Hanners has "smile" issues...

1400 Tai: "Dora! Dora! Marten says I can have sex with you!" Dora: "Nice try, kiddo." Marten: "The Considerate F### Machine. Get it right next time."

1401 to 1500

1401 No... No wonder! (Hanners freaks out about her own smile?)

1402 "Is there ONE COFFEE SHOP in this town where I can get a latte without being propositions for a threesome?"

1403 Faye: "…how DID you manage to get all those ear piercings…?" Hanners: "I have ear piercings? AAAIEEE!!!! Hehehehe, gotcha"

1404 "I just took an ativan and didn't look... (they're either) antennae for the satellite uplink in my skull... or I just knew it would tick off my mom..."

1405 I'm not quite symmetrical... "Want me to go get my calipers?"

1406 Steve: "T-tortura?.." Marty: "That's 'same ol' same ol'?"

1407 QC Sock Puppet Theatre (Dora, Marten; Sven, Lydia; Faye, Tai; Hanners, Raven)

1408 Steve: "It's a RELIEF! I LIKE having a normal job..." Marten: "I'd rather stick with something more attainable. Like curing cancer, or EATING the MOON."

1409 ONE GIRL asked me out! Tai: "Fix her up with Steve!" Marty: "A picture of you with your shirt off under a waterfall. CLASSY."

1410 Angus given two minutes for Bad Jokes by Faye and Hannelore

1411 Pintsize is unresponsive! Momo: "Shall I make you a tinfoil hat? I am highly skilled at Origami."

1412 He won't even boot off the external drive. Dora overwhelmed by Momo's CUTE! (After 90 seconds, she administers a small electric shock)

1413 Marigold! [YAOI ZONE!] "And what are you doing with Momo-tan?... government-issue chassis... DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING... Pet rat?"

1414 "Prolly a hardware issue... bypassed the chassis hardware, he's booting up..." (pause) "Wow that's a lot of porn... Whatever. I'm copying the hentai directory."

1415 "How can you LIVE in that kind of mess?... she shouldn't be living in that kind of filth. It's not healthy... I've got it! Hey, Hannelore? It's Dora..."

1416 "I am Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I END MESSES." (Pintsize: "Last time I ever try to rewire myself... Oooh, Pocky!")

1417 Marigold: "Oh, god, what is she doing in there?"

1418 Hanners: "I'm coming back in a week, and if this place isn't SPOTLESS I'm throwing out everything you own and you can START OVER."

1419 Angus: "Hey Marigold, I – what are you guys doing here?... You cleaned Marigold's room? THANK YOU!" STOP HUGGING STOP HUGGING STOP HUGGING!!!

1420 Marigold: "You mixed the yaoi in with the regular stuff... Here. This is yaoi." (Magical Love Gentleman! Hanners is hooked!)

1421 Momo: "There is no such this as a 'sentience matrix.'" Pintsize: "Wait, what?" ["AnthroIRC 3.1", Pintsize0101, PT410x (our antagonist), 3ve (from AppleGeeks, Red_Robot (Diesel Sweeties), and KimikoRoss (Dresden Kodak)]

1422 Faye gets caught up... "Wait, YOUR roommate fixed MY roommate's horrible pet robot?" Angus: "I owe Hannelore at LEAST two drinks..." Faye: "Smarming your way into my social circle ain't gonna earn you any brownie points, you know."

1423 Marten: "After what happened with Sven, I don't wanna see you get hurt like that again... I'll use a net. Hannelore with administer a sedative, and Dora will drive the getaway van."

1424 Lydia: "Have you done ANYTHING lately other than play WOW and sleep?" "Your eyes are shining like the bottom of a bottle of beer" "Already sold it... I'm thinking of buying a house."

1425 Angus and Marten in the Awkward Zone... Frosty Beers and Fancy Outfits! AWKWARD ZONE DEFEATED!

1426 So wassa deal with you an' Faye, anyway? "her issues with dudes... HELLA issues."

1427 Angus: "...she just seems cool. She's pretty, she's smart, she's funny..." Marten: "You're better off strikin' out swingin'..."

1428 GUEST STRIP (Hijinks Ensue) Hannerlore can't handle ComicCon (and neither can Jeph?)

1429 Marten asks Angus about Marigold; she's always got something "geeky" to do… but at what price? (Marigold's alone, sighing at home)

1430 Cosette returns, and Marten's got the Bearskin rug photo... [413-3XX-8704] "So, uh, I dunno if you'd be interested in meeting – "

YES!

1431 "...you stay up most of the night drinkin' with a dude and you get a pretty good idea of what he's about." [Habanero scones, chorizo latte]

1432 Look who's at the door! WILL! "Shut up and kiss me, you dolt."

1433 Dora: "Seriously, would you two just go home and #### already? You're distracting the customers." Faye: "And making me nauseous." Pen: "Gimme ten more minutes, I wanna get paid for this full hour."

1434 Will: "You liked my letters?" Pen: "I don't think they'll let us have sex inside Washington's nose at Mount Rushmore..."

1435 Pintsize and how Rule 34 gives him hope for humanity!

1436 Time to get rid of that hoodie, Marten honey.

1437 Penelope bursts! Will: "And that's another thing I love about you – your sense of hyperbole."

1438 Will's in love, Sven's in... contempt?

1439 "I want you to do a sculpture for the shop." "You realize I mainly did abstract metal sculpture, right?"

1440 Marigold wants to watch anime with Hanners! Hanners wants her to SHOWER FIRST! (Chibi AnthroPC's have clear viscous liquid to simulate nervous sweat drops... ewwww.)

1441 Magical Love Gentleman! Angus is roped in!

1442 Will ran out of money, got evicted by his father, didn't have a job... "So basically you're telling me you're a TOTAL ####ING LOSER?"

1443 He worked in college six years ago... Wil: "...if I start looking for a job, you'll stay?" Pen: "...For every resume you send out, I'll remove an article of clothing."

1444 Angus wasn't into anime at first, but he got more and more into it. "He actually cried at the ending!" (Faye starts to drool catatonically)

1445 Angus gets hit by a wall of...

SCORN!

(Faye needs a cigarette!)

1446 What's this "secret things" item in the sculpture budget?

1447 "It is a McDonald's Cashier, and he stoppeth one of three. 'By thy patchy beard and glittering eye, wherefore earn'st thou a liberal arts degree?'"

1448 Angus: "Wait, so it's okay that (MARTEN) cries at cartoons, but not when I do it?" Faye: "He was a little kid!" Dora: "What? No, we just rented The Land Before Time last –" Marten: "HUSH YE, WOMAN"

1449 GUEST STRIP (Rosalarian): Why Dora REALLY stopped dyeing her hair (kissing you is like kissing my own child!)

1450 Pintsize's proposal precludes a Pounding! ("Gauss-rifle" WHAT?)

1451 GUEST STRIP (bunny-comic.com) Hanners takes the "boys" to the beach!

1452 GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto!) Bad timing, Sven...

1453 GUEST STRIP (johnnywander.com) QC Slashfic personified!

1454 GUEST STRIP (John Keogh's Lucid TV) Uh... Hanners? In a western? With Pintsize?

1455 GUEST STRIP (Diesel Sweeties) Magical Love Phone?

1456 Yelling Bird Returns from ComicCon

1457 Marigold: "Does Faye... often get this violent with Pintsize?... I wanna (make sure) you're not secretly ABUSING him." And what does Pintsize first go for? (See 415) "Sorry about the new dent."

1458 Hanners: "Decimal point. You misplaced the decimal point in this column." (And that check for $65,000 would probably bounce, Faye; wait, the whole Argentinian economy, Hanners?)

1459 "Even banged up like this, his chassis is still worth four or five grand, easy." NO JUDE LAW CHASSIS!

1460 Pintsize: "Do not mock the Breast Jihad!" Momo: "She would like nothing more than to attend your social function!" Marigold: "What... what am I gonna DO?" Momo-sama: "YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A GOOD TIME." (SZZZZT!)

1461 Faye: "You invited MARIGOLD?" Hanners: "You have to be nice, Faye! I'll be so mad at you if you make fun of her! ...I remember what that was like."

1462 Marten: "So you were really nervous when you came up and introduced yourself to Steve and me?" Faye: "Well yeah, you coulda just told me to #### off, and that woulda sucked." Marten: "...yeah, YOU suck, but if I hadn't met you I wouldn't have met Dora." Faye: "Aww, it's been FOREVER since I've had to punch you!"

1463 Marigold doesn't realize she's been watched as she comes in (and if she chickens out, the bartender owes Faye $20!)

1464 Marigold: "Wh-what's going on?" Hanners: "You came in!" Faye: "You just cost me 20 bucks." Monacled Barkeep: "I'm putting it on her tab."

1465 Marigold meets Faye (Feel free to hit her if she's mean to you. HEY!) Marigold has issues with beer. (What kind, that is)

1466 Marten beer-mentors Marigold. Dora trusts Marty (and this is the lady who nearly eviscerated a girl for askin' him out a while back?) "Drat, you found me out. I'm not the real Dora, but a clockwork simulacra."

1467 "Look, this is a delightful little heart-to-hear we're having but I have to PEE"

1468 Marigold: "Can I try a sip of your wine?" Hanners: "Um... no please? ...backwash and all..." (Marten: "This is the setup for the most awkward lesbian porn scene ever.")

1469 90% of what comes out of Faye's mouth is meaningless sass-talkin'. (And the other ten percent is burps)

"NNNNDYOUGUYSSUCK"

1470 RIP Les Paul (Multitrack Forty Pours!)

1471 Angus was uninvited. Marigold: "I can't believe what this corset is doing to my boobs."

1472 "...you guys are so...cool" BAHAAAAHAHAHA! Dude, we're NOT cool.

1473 "DAMMIT Momo you are going to stop playing that video game THIS INSTANT and have a CIVIL CONVERSATION or you are GROUNDED!" "...I'M GONNA VOID MY WARRANTY, THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!"

1474 "St-stay away from me!" TZZZAP! POP! AAAUGH!

1475 "Momo friggin' BLEW UP my PC!" "I didn't mean to! WAAAAH!" (Marigold isn't very self-aware)

1476 Faye apologizes to Angus; "Without that extra couple minutes I'll be too sleepy to hide the bodies properly." Angus: "...I know this great rock quarry outside town..." Faye: "...The 9.6 Ditchfork gave it is BS, it's an 8.0 dump site at BEST."

1477 Hanners hits the sweet spot of 40 hours of being awake... and has some issues with coffee. (GO TO SLEEP.)

1478 Unfortunately, that's the day they decide to tear up the street in front of Hanner's apartment...

1479 Dijon Mustard is the winner! What kind of work is a poet qualified for? "Beowulf was actually just Viking viral marketing." [Whale-flavored latte; ambergris tea; BLOOD + THUNDER]

1480 Penelope: "THAT's the nicest suit you own?!" Monacled owner of the Horrible Revelation: "You're hired."

1481 Sven: "I miss you." Faye: "WHAT."

1482 "And now I'M gonna have nightmares about getting pregnant after murder-sexing him in a dumpster. THANKS."

1483 "Large Phillips screwdriver. Thermal paste. Squirrel." "I was... I was joking!" [HORDE RULES t-shirt]

1484 Will got the job! No shame in doing what Pen wants... "No, you're right. You're a lucky dude. Don't mess it up.... There's really nothing worse than regret."

1485 "I don't CARE how you CAUGHT HIM, get him OUT FROM UNDER MY BED!"

1486 Sven: "Basically I picked the worst possible girl on earth to develop a conscience and feelings and such about."

1487 Angus gets hit by squirrel, Momo, and Marigold! (...You said you were goin' home.) "It's not safe there."

1488 It's just sad. (Sven and Faye, that is.) (schadenhorny)

1489 Hanners watches as Mar "raids" on WOW... like paint drying? AWESOME!

1490 FRRRT! "Oh god I'm so sorry! I forgot you were there!"

1491 Want any baked goods before we play muffin toss? (Muffins are most accurate, walnut brownies hit harder)

1492 "My friend Hannelore is watching me play. ...Yes, it's a girl's name." (pause) "NO we are NOT going to 'lez out'"

1493 "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" "N-no, I don't think I ever COULD... you?" "You can probably guess..." "Umm, six?" "..off by six." "TWELVE?! WOW!"

1494 "Apparently being in such close proximity to my loveliness causes a time-dilation effect." (I'm out of astrophysics quips. Gimme five minutes on Wikipedia...)

1495 Hanners: "You're so pretty!" Mar: "No I'm not..." Hanners: "Angus! You're a boy, you know about these things. Marigold is pretty, right?" Angus: "Yes I'm afraid so. Marigold... is pretty." Hanners: "I see a smiiiilllllle" [Fridge: LISTS SUCK; #### MARIGOLD CLEAN YR LEFTOVERS]

1496 " Marigold? Approve my latest firmware update?... Oh wow, I have digits!" (Pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop-pop) "MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

1497 Faye: "All I told him was I'd be civil to him when he was in the shop. I'm sorry he 'misses me' or whatever but that's the best I can do." Dora: "You should become a professional Philandering A-hole Therapist." Faye: "Next time I try to 'fix' a boy it's gonna be with a pair of hedge clippers."

1498 Corrupt version of the update. Pintsize: "Man, I want digits! Gimme a copy of that update!" B-but we have completely different chassis, there is no telling what it will –" Four THUMBS?

1499 Jeph & Cristi at one year... and Yelling Bird?

1500 I AM THE THUMBLORD! "Okay, which one of us is dreaming this?"

1501 to 1600

1501 Marigold: "…the other two girls in my guild. They're always postin' slutty pictures of themselves on our forums… What're you doing?" Angus: "What's the address?..." Marigold: "You're such a jerk." (WoW sluts gives you Night Elf porn?)

1502 Photography 101: It's all in the angles and cropping… "...you can also use the clone stamp tool in PS to get rid of your pimples." (YOU'RE SUCH A JERK)

1503 "Aren't you HORRIFIED by my FREAKISH, CRONENBERGIAN METAMORPHOSIS?" No. (Oh, did you get the bad firmware upgrade too? Marigold has a patch that will –) "You people friggin' SUCK."

1504 Angus comforts Marigold… and her Badtz-Maru panties…

1505 "You're not an idiot, you're just a little shaky on the self-esteem front." BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL…

1506 Where did AnthroPC's come from?

• Hanners: "Basically, the first artificial mind came together from a combination of non-sentient software and hardware. Once we figured out that combination, it was easy to reproduce, and that's where all you little guys came from!"

• Winslow: "Pintsize says that's a cover story and the REAL origin of sentient machines is 'cause somebody had sex with a computer."

• Hanners: "…who would ever want to have sex with a regular old COMPUTER?... dad? You there?"

• (To Dora) "And then he got all quiet and changed the subject." (Can't… can't imagine why…)

1507 Dora: "You want to grow a MOUSTACHE." Marten: "Just for a couple of days?" Dora: "..in return I'm gonna stop grooming my lady-area." Dora Bianchi International Airport?

1508 Steve: "Dune-themed costume party!"

1509 Raven's back off to school; Dora: "I'm a small business owner. You're the underachieving peon." Faye: "Zugzug."

1510 So Raven's really studying physics now? Raven: "...It just feels so much more ...SCIENCY this way!"

1511 Tai: "School's nerd convention (NRRD CON) is this weekend!... you could get Dora a corset!" Marten: "No thanks. In my family that's traditionally a Mother's Day present."

1512 Tai: "So your parents split up basically 'cause your dad realized he was gay?" Marten: "…it definitely contributed to things… deteriorating… (ring) Speak of the devil. (Dad's coming up this weekend!) Oh, I wasn't joking. He really did ruin my childhood. (pause) Nah, I'm just kidding…" Tai: "I'm glad you have a sense of humor, but could you please not bring it to work with you?"

1513 Dora finds out about NRRDcon and Marty's Dad coming to visit at the same time! "Do your parents ever plan ANYTHING more than a couple days in advance?" (conceiving joke – and an oblique reference to 922)

1514 Dora's in a tizzy, and Marten can't understand why: "You did fine with my mom…" Dora: "…we weren't dating yet, and I kind of wanted to MAKE OUT with your mom." Marten: "Oooh, yeah, definitely don't try that approach with dad."

1515 Henry and Maurice (OH MY GOD YOU ARE GONNA BE SO HOT WHEN YOU GO GRAY)

1516 Maurice is an environmental engineer, wetlands preservation. (they met at his nightclub; he "then proceeded to drink too much, vomit on my shoes, and pass out in one of the bathroom stalls.") Developed naturally = spent the entire weekend in bed. Marten: "I'm full up on parental-sex-life-horror thanks to mom. Did you know she has a blog now?" Dora: "GIVE ME THE URL. NOW."

1517 They're going skiing up at Stowe in Vermont. "How would you feel about, uh… about me remarrying?" (Huh? Guh… buh… gah?) "Oh, I know. Those were his first words." (Muh?)

1518 Are you okay with this? "Omigod can I be the flower girl?"

1519 Marcel: "W-wait, you were serious?"

1520 He said YES! Let's celebrate (We have a weird group of friends...)

1521 Karaoke with Dad and friends! Who did what and when – and why did Faye punch Hanners?

1522 "I'm gonna refer to you as Dad Two: Dad Harder." And Faye does the first class sass revenge on the man who smacked her in the butt! (Now remember, fifty grand when it's born or the little bastard goes to China to make Nikes.)

1523 Hanners: "come to Smif Nerd-Con with me!" Marigold: "Let's do this."

1524 Dora wants to go to NRRDcon too… And Pintsize's doujinshi???

1525 Marigold won the Magical Love Gentleman trivia contest! And got a stuffed Sosuke! (Dora checks: anatomically correct!) And Hanners got Faye a TSUNDERE shirt…

1526 JIMBO? Vampire steampunk young-adult romance – "Antoinette Banemoon and the Case of the Airship Automatons"

1527 Marigold the awkward Superfan (Anything broken? "Juzdt by dignidy.")

1528 Marten DOES look good as a little Yaoi Boy! (Magical Love Gentleman Marten!)

1529 Will's not digging the working man's lifestyle. "O great and noble poet"

1530 Marten: "…And all it cost me was my dignity." Marigold: "You do make a pretty good Ichiro." Marten had a fanboy episode with Thurston Moore… who's Thurston Moore?

1531 Angus asks Faye out; Faye gets all freaked out: "...I JUST HANDLED A BOY-SITUATION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!... WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!" (p-p-please s-stop sh-sh-shaking m-me)

1532 Let the second guessing begin ("I didn't get all weird or anything... Although... Of course... unless... But then... if I assume... Unless...") Penny: "aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

1533 Angus takes Marigold to the movies... after Marigold does a mindwipe (What WAS Momo doing with her Ichiro figure?)

1534 Marigold: "I'm trying to be less of a shut-in." Angus: "You were 'that weird chick who never leaves her room.' We used to... speculate about what you spent all your time doing in there... My friend Chad was CONVINCED you were secretly a fetish model or camwhore or something..."

1535 "It was nice to actually spend some time with you for a change!" (Marigold puts on a happy face!)

1536 Nonconsensual Snuggling Marigold!

1537 The "Moustache Rides $5,000" t-shirt

1538 Hanners doesn't understand what it means... which is a good thing. (Forget bearded clams or bald tacos...)

1539 Nope, never heard from her... (How do we find her?)

1540 Marty & Steve stop by Tai's dorm room... and Marty sits on a couple of unexpected things!

1541 While Steve figures out it's Cosette Beauvais (with Tai's help), Marty deals with Annette (the physics teacher at Hampshire – who likes bongs?)

1542 Tai: "Guys, this started off as a fun little diversion but if I end up having to testify in court I'm gonna be SO PISSED."

1543 Steve: "Yeah, right. I'll be walkin' down the street one day and she'll just fall into my – " (limp limp limp AGH!) "...Arms?" "H-hi!"

1544 Turkeys 2009 (the ladies do some 'shipping)

1545 "Hi I'm Randy! I'm a Bandicoot!" (Yelling Bird HATES Randy)

1546 Cosette is on crutches with a black eye, and just got out of the hospital; Steve: "What happened to YOU?" Luna: "She was going down the stairs but was too busy ogling that picture of you and missed a steOOF!" Cosette used the wrong crutch for that WHACK! though...

1547 Desperate Cosette is desperate! Luna: "I saw... I saw a tunnel of light, with my granddad waiting at the end, waving to me..."

1548 Luna: "I'm not stalking you! I just want a friggin' latte!" Faye: "Sorry, we only do friggin' lattes on Wednesday."

1549 Hanners meets Steve and Cosette at yon Italian restaurant; "STEVEN! A gentleman NEVER asks a lady to do that on the first date!"

1550 Cosette's intense – and very unlucky; and I think I've seen that person complaining to Faye before – in a toy store? (Amber from Shortpacked! cameo)

1551 Cosette: "I've just never been on a random date with a guy that went this well before. I keep expecting something to go wrong."

1552 Team Riker looks on as the fire alarm sounds! Steve gets welcomed "to the club" (Boyfriend Waiting Area)

1553 Nice haircut, Marigold! "Because you're a STUPID JERK! Who SMELLS!" Angus: "O venom-tongued maiden! Stay your barbs, I beseech you!"

1554 And then.. POP! Goes her neck! Luna: "What the hell were you doing?!" (at least she can wiggle her toes...)

1555 Roombas make for lousy extreme sport vehicles. Winslow: "Maybe if we put on a spoiler it'll go faster."

1556 After five hours in ER, it's nothing to be worried about... but Steve's left hangin'. Marten: "NOT IN MY BATHROOM!" (Dora: "There's lotion under the sink!")

1557 Roomba to Houston, we have liftoff! [no dialogue]

1558 Angus' suicide joke makes Faye uncomfortable – and Angus doesn't believe her.

1559 Angus realizes she's telling the truth…and runs away ("apparently I'm not a very credible source of information.")

1560 OH MY GOD I'M AN IDIOT. "You insensitive ASSHOLE!"

1561 "Wow, I can't believe you just told Angus about your dad all up-front like that… yesterday you told him that you were descended from a family of Civil War pirates." "My grandma made cryptic references to our ancestors bein' boarded by YANKEE… SEAMEN????"

1562 Dora: "If that were true, we'd be calling them 'whitakers' instead of 'hookers.'" Faye: "I have allure coded right into my genes!"

1563 Faye tells Marten about her "incident" with Angus… and then realizes the implications.

1564 Faye apologizes for hurting Marten ("I'm a different person than I was back then. Because of you. You helped me over that hurdle.") Too bad Marty smells like daffodils.

1565 Happy Holidays from the MEN of QC!

1566 A Very Sweet-tits New Year! (Andy comes over for the party – WHAT party?)

1567 SHAME ORB? (June 14, 1987)

1568 Party's OVER! (Yelling bird in a bottle)

1569 Andy gives her some… $3 wine?

1570 Happy ####ing New Year.

1571 Angus likes you. "He's gotta run the gauntlet." Sven didn't have to. "HE used a cheat code."

1572 Marty: "First I was pissed… but Faye's right, she IS a different person than she was back then, and I guess maybe I helped make that happen… so (why be) mad at her?... ..what do I have to do to convince you I'm happy with you, #### you in the ear?" Pintsize: "Friggin FINALLY"

1573 M-MY SOCIAL PROTOCOL DATABASE ADVISES YOU TO REFRAIN FROM COMPLETING THAT SENTENCE!

1574 WELP I'M GOIN' TO BED (It's not what it looks like! "Well, it SORT OF is, but…")

1575 Hanners isn't very good at using self-defense equipment (Telescoping batons HURT!)

1576 Dora: "I'm pretty sure these are illegal in Massachusetts. Like, FELONY illegal." Hanners: "…there's only one solution… I MUST ELIMINATE ALL WITNESSES OF MY CRIME" Dora: "BAD Hanners! NO murdering friends! BAD!"

1577 Dora: "What if we moved in together?... I meant YOU could move in with ME!"

1578 Thinking about the future is scary. "You think it's scary NOW, wait'll I start talking about getting married and having kids. (I- wha- Buh)

1579 Marty talks to Faye; "Tell her that you can have a place of your own, but only if I get custody of you on weekends." (Marty's having flashbacks to his parents' custody battles over him…) [Note on fridge: THE ICE CREAM IS MINE – F ]

1580 Faye: "I'll be honest with you – I'D rather you just move in with Marty and me. You're over practically every night as it is, and I like havin' y'all around." (My secret nickname for you is "sex pony" – Whiiinnyyyy!)

1581 Dora: "I want to move in with you and Faye."

1582 Hanners: "Need any help moving or cleaning?" Dora: "Look, I know you want to help, but I'm just trying to spare you the horror of itemizing my Big Box O' Sex Toys." [Sex Pony Mocha; Humpy Sound Latte; Butts LOL]

1583 "Oh yeah I'm at work, this is the PERFECT time to talk about my poor dead dad and how I've got hella issues because of him."

1584 Mieville meets Pintsize. (Marten: "This is going to end badly.")

1585 Hanners meets Mieville: "FrrieeeEEENNDSSS???"

1586 Hanners: "I dunno. When I was kid I always imagined I'd be normal by now."

1587 Half of it is going to Goodwill... Marten: "Please don't, it's too early in the morning to be surrounded by singing Munchkins." (After which Faye smacked him off-panel?)

1588 Moving... and Miss OCDelightful gets curious about the "party favors"...

1589 (Since when does Steve have a truck?) Marten: "What, you think I'm too wimpy to pick (the couch) up myself?" Steve: "Yes." Dora: "You're MY delicate flower."

1590 Angus vs. Penelope 2: "You're really bad at this." "And you're an idiot."

1591 Post-moving snuggles by Dora (and the mystery has been dead for a while now)

1592 Faye gets Surprise morning Snuggles! (and 1228 comes back to haunt her!) "Would you please stop cuddling me?" "But you're so warm!"

1593 Tai finds out about the move; "How come you hardly ever include me in anything?" Lawns of gold and Astroturf? Who's got which?

1594 Repairing the damage... and why is that Roomba trying to hump the other prototypes, Jenkins? (iRoomba R&D Lab)

1595 Tai wants "that kind" of relationship (and Marten's girl!)

1596 Tai: "My ideal is basically you, only single." Dora: "Once they perfect cloning, you can have Dora-2." Marten: "Dibs on Dora 3 through 15. Gonna start me a clone-harem."

1597 Marigold does the WOW "booty" dance! (Angus joins in)

1598 Marigold and Angus Can Dance!

1599 Angus learned dancing at his "super-fancy prep schools for rich kids"; didn't learn much in "joining a Secret Society" (but he did find "Blackmail and Kidnapping Avoidance" interesting...)

1600 They were talking about dancing! DANCING! ("I've never done that before." "You'll get better with practice.")

1601 to 1700

1601 We've seen this one before, haven't we? ["Updated" version of strip #3; this time we see Marten checking out Faye]

1602 Tai commiserates about her lack of stable relationships; Pintsize offers his "services"

1603 Tai's drunk (after only 1 ½ beers); She's in Faye's lap, she's into girls... "Well, you're really warm." Faye: "I'll turn up the thermostat."

1604 Marten smashed his thumb with a hammer (drunk picture hanging is not recommended); Hanners appears with her cricket bat because she thought they "might have snapped and, um, started killing everyone." (Glass houses, lady!)

1605 Hannelore makes wusses of them all (is she REALLY going to pop Marten's thumbnail?)

1606 "That's like the 15th time you've tried..." NO! I CAN DO IT! I CAN DO IT!

1607 She does it! And... saves some of the resulting blood?

1608 Ladypile on Faye's lap! Marten: "Dammit, I'm gone for five minutes and now this."

1609 Hanners: "I mean, SURE, I might send a sample off to test for genetic disease markers, track his chromosomal history, that sort of thing. But CLONING? That's just silly.... What?" [Note on fridge: DIE DIE DIE]

1610 That couch has seen worse bodily fluids; Hannelore: "I am taking Tai up to MY APARTMENT before she catches A DISEASE."

1611 No, Tai doesn't normally sleep naked...

1612 Finally found her clothes in the dishwasher... "Anyway, long story short – we're engaged now." DWAH?

1613 Marigold the Coffee Maiden!

1614 Winslow meets Mieville – and Mieville turns him into a cat mat

1615 Marigold visits Coffee of Doom; awkward conversation about rapier wits and pool noodles. [Death Metal Latte!]

1616 Dora tries to make Marigold feel better; "...using someone else's computer feels weird. Like wearing another person's pants or something."; Dora: "... I really shoulda done laundry this morning."

1617 How Marigold met Angus; calling "not-cool" on each other; "...around you I feel more like Don Quixote."

1618 Marigold does have a job – website developer! "Not bad for an amateur"; "Ooh, we hit a nerve!"

1619 Marigold: "That kind of HTML was cutting edge in, like, 1995..." Dora has Cuddle Rabies! [Smiley face on the muffin?]

1620 YELLING BIRD: Secret Plotline Text File: "Everyone #####, then I retire; Hannelore Realdoll"

1621 Marigold wasn't traumatized by Faye; "...it's not like she put a dissected frog down my shirt or anything." [The Forgotten Eyeglasses of Angus strip]

1622 Marigold forgot her wallet! Faye wants to go bug Angus some more [or did she want to find out if he had a crappy place?]; Dora: "If your pay was based on good PR your great-grandchildren would still be working off the debt."

1623 Faye: "I'm the friggin' Sherlock Holmes of wacky AnthroPC mishaps."

1624 Angus cleans, Faye peeks, Momo blushes! Faye: "I was just curious!"

1625 The wallet is returned, but the bourbon is flowing! "Okay, I'm in. But for the record, I resent you tryin' to entice me with alcohol."

1626 Marigold's reaction to good bourbon: "NO I'M FINE IT WAS GOOD I LIKE IT?" (Faye: "Dinner, drinks AND a show!") ["OLD CANCER MULE single-batch bourbon whiskey. 136 proof. Guaranteed to harm you and your pets."]

1627 Marten and Dora discuss tacos, bourbon, burritos, gin; Dora: "Twenty bucks says they hook up." Pintsize: "He's going to dinner-#### her booze hole!"

1628 Faye finds out Marigold's "secret admirer"... or is it "secret crush?" AWKWARDNESS LEVEL CRITICAL! "Wow look at the time I really oughta get going" (as her drunk bubbles pop) Angus: "Huh?" Marigold" "Bye Faye!"

1629 Faye returns home: "We were drunk and talkin' about boys, and Angus left the room, and she basically admitted to it." Marten: "You're, uh, aware he's kind of got the hots for YOU, right?" "NO, I'm BRAIN-DEAD and DIDN'T NOTICE." Dora: "So wait, you left Angus, who's DRUNK, and Marigold, who's ALSO DRUNK, and wants to JUMP HIS BONES, BY THEMSELVES?. "; quick cut to Hannelore building a house of cards with the worry hat on... and that's when Faye's expletive-deleted shakes the foundations of their apartment...

1630 And back at Angus's place... SHE KISSES THE BOY!

1631 "WHOA hang on, hang on. You're drunk, you don't know what you're doing... NO, no, Marigold you're GREAT, you're WONDERFUL. But we're just friends." (and...down goes Marigold! DOWN goes MARIGOLD!) [Momo gets the last comment... or is that a finger?]

1632 "Having Trouble Sleeping" (right); "You're a Good Man, Angus McPhee" ("Whoa, boob, awesome.")

1633 Hannelore Helps Hangovers – and accepts HUGS? Meanwhile, Marigold sets land speed records into the bathroom...

1634 Magical Love Gentleman! [April 1, 2010… DUH.]

1635 Hanners gets Maternal; Angus: "How are you not freaking out right now?" Hanners: "I'm storing it for later, when I can discharge it at a safe location. Maybe Yucca Mountain, or the Moon."

1636 Marigold wakes up to the post-hangover Self-Hatred; Hannelore says STOP IT! Marigold: "See? I AM pathetic. Even you're mad at me." Hanners: "Ooh, I could just SHAKE YOU right now if I didn't think you'd throw up on me."

1637 Faye fills in Dora and Marten on Marigold and Hannelore; Marten: "Yeah, hookin' up with your roommate is a terrible idea. [pause] "I mean, you'd have to be some kind of idiot to think that could possibly…" Faye: "Is he trying to be ironic?" (I think so) "Should we start hitting him?" (Yeah.) [Faye's drinking right from the carafe!]

1638 Hanners and Marigold apologize; "I promise I won't get the wrong idea and get drunk and try to make out with you." "I promise I won't become so fixated on you I eventually murder you and make a suit out of your skin!"

1639 Steve: "Angus is a better man than me. I probably woulda hooked up with her... Man, you get me drunk enough and I'll make out with just about anyone." Marten: "He's notkidding. One time at a party someone dared him to kiss me on the lips and the ####er used FULL TONGUE ACTION." Dora: "RECREATE THIS. NOW." Faye: "SHUT UP AND START DRINKING."

1640 Dale orders Number 28! (Chili and pop rocks in a Mocha, on the secret menu) Dora: "Yeah, you know, the one we only tell regulars we LIKE about?" Faye: "OMIGOD you never told MARTEN about the secret menu?" Dale: "Daaaang, that's cold. I mean, that is some serious reevaluate-the-relationship type #### right there." Dora: "DALE YOU ARE NOT HELPING."

1641 Marten: "I can't BELIEVE you never told me you had a secret menu." Dora: "I assumed Faye did!" Faye: "I don't tell ANYBODY about the secret menu. It's a pain in the ass." Dora: "You told Sven." Marten: "You told SVEN and not ME?! ...Everything I thought I knew is a LIE!" Dora: "Oh, now you're just being melodramatic." [69 joke and punching in the ####]

1642 About last night... "I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I know you don't like me." Friends? Friends. (So why isn't she letting go?)

1643 Hanners returns... to a Roomba family reunion? Winslow: "They came back to visit!" [Pink/blue Roomba, Hanners jet-pack Roomba, and three "little ones"]

1644 The Espressosaurus! (scale prototype); "...the full-size model woulda weight 2 tons. Put a hemi in that sucker and it'd crap 300 gallons of coffee a minute."

1645 The Gallery Owners; "Honey, it'd be perfect for your gallery." "If I wanted to commission one of those for sale, how much – " Dora: "Two thousand dollars. 50% today, and the other 50% on delivery. She can have it ready within six weeks or so." Faye: "What just happened?" Dora: "I got a 10% commission on that sale, that's what."

1646 GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto): Marigold doesn't know what "motorboating" means?

1647 GUEST STRIP (Carly Monardo): "Fo' Sho(jo)" – Things are still a LOT weird between Angus and Marigold

1648 Dora dubs it T-rexpresso; Penny: "Boring? BORING?! YOU WORK A CRAPPY SERVICE-INDUSTRY JOB THAT YOU CONSTANTLY WHINE ABOUT AND WHEN YOU GET THE CHANCE TO GET PAID TO DO SOMETHING YOU ENJOY YOU HAVE THE GALL TO BITCH ABOUT IT BEING BORING?! " ["rage-induced aneursym"; "you burst my eardrums!"; "my premiums are gonna skyrocket"

1649 Dora catches Pen in Hypocritical Mode: "So you say you'd 'kill' to work in publishing, but you don't wanna pay your dues to get to that point?... I swear, you two aren't underachievers so much as ANTIachievers." Faye: "Well, duh. That's why we work here." [Balancing sword on the nose act?]

1650 Sven's reading a book on the History of the Crusades... and getting hit upon by blondes. Will [in bartender getup, complete with fake goatee and mustache]: "I do believe that young lady was attempting to hit on you." Sven: "Meh. Could you grab me a fresh napkin? This one's got phone number all over it." <Will: "That's the third one today, isn't it?" Sven: "Is it?" Will: "I think so." Sven: "Huh.">

1651 Momo confronts Marigold about not eating; "Scatological Judo" (no more hanging around Pintsize for her)

1652 Collision Course! Marigold "runs into" Sven! Momo is left dazed and confused (and speechless?)

1653 Dora consoles Marigold, who just then notices she still has Sven's book on the Crusades! (Dora: "Geez, if it's THAT bad you should just return it.")

1654 Faye plays the smartass role to Marigold's misfortunes ("bibliokleptomaniac!"); Faye: "Nah, this is the real world. He's probably just some creep who walks around with a history book in public to try and look 'smart.' And if you end up tracking him down you'll just have an unsatisfying one-night stand and get chlamydiMMPH" [as Dora applies the duct tape]

1655 And then Sven entered… "AAAH!" "AAAH!" "AAAAAAAAAAH!" [Death Head Latte picture on wall]

1656 Faye: "Don't let him make eye contact with you! He has an evil sexy gaze! He's a cockatrice!" (Wh-wha?) Dora: "Marigold is OFF LIMITS, you understand?" Sven: "I'm not gonna friggin' seduce her, I just want my book back… I wonder whether you inherited your Crazy Bitch from Mom or Dad's side. Aunt Hilde is pretty cantankerous, but I think Grandma Bianchi actually killed a man once."

1657 "So, uh, can I get my book back?" (meanwhile, Faye is tossing Momo up in the air) Sven: "Boo!" Marigold: "Eeek!" Faye: "Stop that!" (Meanwhile, Momo is upside-down in Faye's hand, and holding her skirt up for dear life…)

1658 "The Dream Sequence" (or, do AnthroPC's have sexy dreams?) Momo-tan has "received some… upgrades" – all for Sven? ["MOMO! I said, are you ready to go?" "Buh?"]

1659 Marten: "I can't believe you took care of Marigold like that." Hanners: "I didn't have time to think. I just did it." "Are you less freaked out by touchin' other people?" "Touch me and we'll find out!" (Touch!) "Meeeeeheeheehee!" (pause) "Was… was that FLIRTING just now?! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be flirty!... OH GOD DORA I HAVE TO GO APOLOGIZE TO DORA!" ("Two steps forward, one step back.")

1660 "I'M SORRY I LET HIM POKE ME I'M SO SORRY" Dora: "Well, Hannelore, I'm afraid there's only one way you can rectify this situation." (Seppuku? I think Marigold has a katana.) [She must be thinking about what Dora said in 635] "I get to poke you!" Marten joins in: "Poking three-way!" Dora: "Ooh, kinky!" Faye: "Tsk, it's always the uptight ones that end up total pokesluts." (Hannelore, meanwhile is "eeeeeeeee!")

1661 Randi (is a she – she had babies!), Shelby is "a Great Peerer... Prenny... I'm a Dog!" (Yelling Bird should really relax!)

1662 Hannelore wonders if she's a clone; "I wonder what meeting her would be like"; Hannerclone: "Who do you think's been doing all our mother's dirty work over the years?...Don't worry, I'll wait 'til yer dead 'fore I yank yer teeth." (Marty: "Hanners? Hannelore? Are you okay?")

1663 Angus wants to pursue things with Faye; "You've... you've been allowed to sit the exam. But you haven't passed yet."; Dora's two-panel SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! (WOULD YOU STOP THAT? "I'LL STOP WHEN YOU STOP BEING SO ADORABLE)

1664 Angus wants to try Faye's "exam", but Faye doesn't do emotions very well. Angus: "...some middle ground where you don't care about me too much but we still get to make out." Faye: "Okay, see, lines like that are like writing 'Seymour Butts' in the 'name' field on the exam."

1665 Faye "warned him what he was getting himself into. And he said that was okay… Marty's metaphorical porridge was too cold, and Sven's was too hot. Might as well see what Angus' is like." Dora: "Wait, when did you ever taste MARTEN'S porr-" (METAPHORICAL, I SAID METAPHORICAL) [SPECIALS: Nothing yet, hold yer ####in' horses]

1666 "...So the Roomba people are coming to bring them back for further study." [Roombas and Mieville fly by with Pintsize hanging from his claws!] Marten: "There needs to be a word for those brief moments of clarity when you realize just how profoundly weird your life is." Hanners: "I take medication to prevent those moments. Want some?"

1667 Faye: "...Would you be completely pissed at me if I went out with Angus?" Marten" "Just go on a date with him." Faye (to Pintsize) "There are WAY better options than you." Sentient sex toys? Guitars "spend most of their time discussing philosophy, actually."

1668 Dale the Pizza Delivery guy (he really shouldn't have mentioned what server he played WoW on); "NO TIPS FOR ALLIANCE SCUM!" (Yes, Marigold is Horde.)

1669 "We're tryin' to have a moment of friendship here!" (Dora's channeling Yelling Bird, apparently) Marten: "I realize there's a certain lowering of boundaries that comes with us all living together, but this is ridiculous."

1670 Dora cut and dyed her hair! Hanners thought she "was the only person who did laundry at this time of night"; Dora tends "to get really wired after sex" (TMI? No, but "my mother's new pool-boy and recent string of corporate takeovers...")

1671 What Dora and Hanners did (dyed and cut hair – "It's very... purple. And pointy?"; vacuumed and reorganized kitchen shelves; drank a bottle of wine and made a carrot cake "with cream cheese frosting!") "...and I have to be to work in ten minutes and I think I'm going to die." Hanners: "It CAN'T be a bad decision, it resulted in CARROT CAKE!"

1672 Dora can't do all-nighters anymore; Faye: "You're getting' old, spookypants... then you come in outta nowhere and drop a ####in' tactical TMI on my head." [SPECIALsIs it cold in here? in background; Dora collapsed writing them][Artist non-sequitur of the day: "man I can't wait to get my vasectomy."]

1673 Faye asks Angus over to "hang out and drink some beers and watch stupid YouTube clips." (And bring Marigold?) [Specials: "FRESH ####IN' BAGELS"; Counter sign: "MISSING LLAMA: Answers to 'deathhome'(?) $$$"]

1674 Marten asks Hanners about using Winslow (while Hanners is wielding a knife – whew, she's only cutting watermelon); not gonna use Pintsize because "never look at alpacas the same way again."

1675 Marigold dresses up – but has a wardrobe malfunction! (Bra strap – oh SNAP!) "Oh no, the levee broke! Warn the townsfolk downstream!" "SHUT UP AND GIVE ME YOUR SWEATER"

1676 Angus: "Why do you have a thing for me?" Marigold: "you... were NICE to me. And paid attention. Nobody's ever done that before." Angus: "You aren't an idiot... You shouldn't like a guy just because he's nice to you... what if he's only doing it so he can get in your pants?" Marigold: "I'd settle for that." (Welcome to Marigold-Land, where NOTHING ever goes the way you want it to.)

1677 Marigold: "That's all I really want, though. Somebody to be nice to me, and pay attention, and... y'know." Angus: "...are you trying to GUILT-TRIP me into making out with you?"... Marigold: "Would... would that work?" (DAMMIT MARIGOLD)

1678 The Gang's All Here! (Angus and Marigold meet Tai, Will and Penelope) [Marigold: No bourbon, please!] Will: "A positively Homeric set of bosoms"; Penelope: "Mine had better be at LEAST Chaucerian or you're sleeping on the couch tonight."

1679 Where's Faye? "Make way for some tasty pastries!" Hanners: "PIES! Pies pies pies pies! We made strawberry rhubarb, apple, banana cream, and pecan!" (An absolutely diabolical pecan pie) "Baking is wonderful! It's like science for hungry people!"

1680 Dale delivers pizzas! (with his two other jobs). Alliance SCUM! He's got a nightelf rogue on Warsong... Marigold's at LEVEL CAP. "MariGoldFarm. Bring it." Marten: "I think they were flirting. Or fighting. Or both." (An alliance ROGUE? I'm desperate, but I have SOME standards.)

1681 Turtle humping the CRAP out of a shoe (Hanners doesn't think it's funny); Angus asks for the ice pack in the freezer ("We keep that in their specifically for Fayemergencies"). Tai spills the beans: "Faye and Angus totally have the hots for each other." (Oh, great, where's Marigold's hard reset button?; Hanners: "Marigold? Marigold, are you there?")

1682 Tai apologizes, Dora blames Marten, volunteers to go talk to her; "Just try and make it through the night without saying anything else stupid, okay?" (NEVER tell a woman she looks fat in a skirt...) Marten: "Can I borrow that ice pack for a minute? My sense of humor got the best of me."

1683 Dora tells Marigold the truth about Angus and Faye; "I think he was just trying not to hurt you any more." Dora promises to be up-front with her from now on; "I thought INTERNET drama was bad, but this is RIDICULOUS." (All that's missing is Goatse, which is why Pintsize was locked in the bedroom...)

1684 Dora has to be honest with Marigold: they've been talking behind her back all night... about her boobs. Cue the laugh track!

1685 Dora offers to take Marigold bra shopping; Hannelore asks if Marigold is okay – and whaddya know, she is! She doesn't know, however, if she could hangle Angus and Faye "making out or anything"; turns out they got into a fight over what music to play on the stereo – and Marten put them both in "Time Out" (aka in the same room with Pintsize! "NO TALKING!"

1686 Marigold's triumphant return; Tai apologizes; Faye and Angus come out of time-out… "IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE" (Marigold: "Should I tell them I know?" Dora: "Nah, let 'em squirm. Let's go get some pie."

1687 Marigold and Faye in the kitchen [Dark 'n Stormy's – Rum and Ginger beer]; Marigold: "Sometimes his (Angus) mouth gets ahead of his brain. But he's not a bad guy." Faye: "I know. It's not like I'm the easiest person in the world to get along with, either…" "So you're not REALLY mad at him?" "No, not really… Wait, what the hell was that about?"

1688 Total Sucker Rule violation: (Marten) "You know how it's generally a good rule of thumb that you don't wanna be the drunkest person at a party?... old adage in poker that 'if you can't tell who the sucker at the table is, it's you.'" (Will) "Ergo, if you can't tell who the most inebriated person at the party is… It's you." (cut to a pantsless Tai on Marigold's lap); Hanners: "It bothers me that I'm becoming inured to this."

1689 Tai passed out again (Hanners doesn't want her up by her again!) Marten: "I'll go check the dishwasher for her pants."; Angus apologizes for the music thing; Marigold gives Faye the silent handshake… (Marten: "I found a pair of pants in the dishwasher, but they're not Tai's." Dora: "Those are mine. Does… does she think she's cleaning?" Hannelore: "I'll go check the laundry machines for your dishes.") Faye: "Oh $#!+ She knows"

1690 Yelling Bird and Sweetits celebrate Jeph's 30th… with bottle rockets? [Altered strip! Altered strip!]

1691 Marigold and Angus have a talk on the way home; "I kinda spent the whole time fighting with Faye." "...I asked Faye and she said she wasn't REALLY mad at you." "Wait, what, she told you that? (pause) I mean, sure, great, but whatever. Psh." (Marigold giggles)

1692 Hannelore brings over some pie for Marigold (Banana Cream!); Marigold's over it now; [Momo tastes Hannelore's pie!] "And hey, at least I finally kissed a boy. (Ooooh!) He totally touched my boob, too." (OOOOH!)

1693 "Kinda scratchy. They have stubble." Marigold gets a bit frustrated: "these friggin' Alliance morons keep trying to PvP me!" – one of them, however, is DALE (Scary shiny glasses!) "No. Leave her. This one has... potential."

1694 Tai awakes to showerus interruptus. "So that's why you're always ten minutes late to work in the morning."

1695 Marten calls it even ("considering that time I interrupted you in the break room with that hippie chick"); Tai wants to join Steve shopping with Steve and Cosette (?); Tai: "I figure, you attract hot chicks like moths to a flame. Eventually ONE of 'em is gonna be into ladies." Perhaps Tai should use Marty's urine like a deer hunter?

1696 Marigold notices it's 8:00 AM; how long has Hanners been awake? ("I dunno. A coupld days?... No no, I'm fine! I can stay up for a few more houuuurrrrsssss....")[Cue blurry special effects] "Okay, everything went melty for a second there, but that means I've got at least couple hours before total psychosis. Let's go get breakfast!"

1697 Cosette (still on crutches) doesn't like her new haircut ("I DIDN'T WANT my bangs andy shorter!"); Marten's mom snipped one of his ears – and Tai caught something else with clippers (she was trimming "downstairs", see...) Marten: "Chuck Palahniuk meets the Vagina Monologues."

1698 Cosette gets her cast off tomorrow; she wants to buy some new "cute skinny jeans" – but Tai sees a problem: "Wait, how are you gonna try on skinny jeans if you've still got the cast on?" [Cosette Facepalm!] Tai: "Would it be bad form if I tried on some new pants?" Marten: "I wouldn't risk it. She might hit you with a crutch."

1699 [Shoplifters Will Be Persecuted] Cosette gets a different response from Steve ("Sexy!") and Marten ("Nice.") about her top – "Really? You like it?" "Uh... yeah? It looks good." Steve: "DUDE!" "What?!"

1700 Cosette (with a flannel top): "What about this one?" Steve: "Ask Marten, since his opinion is the only one you actually CARE about." [Marten facepalms] "I saw you blush when he said you looked nice!" TINIEST BIT SMILEY vs. TINIEST BIT JEALOUS; enter Tai (Too "Menial Laborer"?) – "Sorry dude, I've got the right parts but a tooootally different instruction manual." (Is he ALWAYS this childish? "Shh, if he hears us talking he might think we're planning to go FORNICATE.")

1701 to 1800

1701 Steve (while eating C'thulu Cookies) "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I was being stupid." Cosette: "...I'm not interested in any onther guy. I'm not gonna jump Marten's bones just 'cause he says he likes my shirt." Marten (obvious sass mode): "Are you SURE about that? Because that shirt looked very... VERY... good on you." Cosette: "I can't help myself! Take me! Take me now!" "Baby, you just punched your ticket on the Marten-train to Orgasm-town." (beat) "Seriously, make sure you get off the train at Orgasm-town. The next five stops are all in Bitter-Recrimination-ville, and that's a really bad neighborhood." (Cosette can't stop laughing) Steve: "If you guys keep making fun of me, I'm not gonna share any of my cookies." Tai: "I promise not to seduce your girlfriend if I get a cookie!"

1702 Angus sees Marigold and Hannelore emerge – into double entendre city! "It sure sounded like you were enjoying yourselves." (Cue a horrified/blushing Marigold in the background) "...It's hard to be quiet when you're that excited..." (and then I just <got> carried away, you know?) "I'm impressed you were able to keep up with her all night like that." (My butt is all sore!) "HANNELORE, he's IMPLYLING – " "No! Don't say it! You'll break the spell!" "My favorite part was when you took on those four guys at once! And then that giant dog!"

1703 Marigold and Faye "talk": "I'm sorry about Angus..." "I'm not, um, mad or anything... If you guys like each other, then I shouldn't, uh, get in the way."; "So... we're cool? Everything's cool?" "Uh huh." "Okay, great. So fill me in – does he have any, like, weird habits or creepy fetishes I should know about? Closet full of doll parts or cat skulls or anything?" (Hanners: "Aren't you glad Marten doesn't have anything like that in HIS closet?" Dora: "How do YOU know that?") [Wait – the blackboard is blank????]

1704 Dora just realized – none of the CoD Baristas are single anymore. Faye: "What're you talking about? I'm still single." Pen: "You're already on that flight path, you're not gonna switch airports at the last minute." Dora: "CoD is no longer run by a band of bitchy bachelorette baristas." Customer: "Is there, like, a waiting list for the next time you hire a cute single girl?" Dora: "NO there is NOT a – " Faye: "$500 to get on the list - $250 now and $250 when you hook up with her. Ask us about our Refurbished Starbucks Employee program!" (Pen: "a finishing school only we teach the OPPOSITE of social graces.") [SPECIALS: Banana Mocha, Banana Brownies, Banana Bread, We have too many bananas]

1705 Dora does need to hire more people. Faye: "You'll have gray hair by the time you hit thirty! Not that any of us will know." Refurbished Starbucks Employees! (Not so much "refurbishing" as "brainwashing") Stockholm Syndrome works for Apple employees! (No, that's Stock OPTIONS Syndrome.) Pen would prefer stock options to free coffee.

1706 Dora's been working 60 hour weeks (Ouch!); Cosette's looking for a new job (she's sick of the ice cream place); Steve can vouch for her! Dora: "I need to know if she's a reliable employee, not how good she is in bed." Steve: "She's goal-oriented, good at staying on-task, takes direction well but readily displays her own initiative..." (CAN WE NOT DISCUSS THIS IN PUBLIC) Tai: "Hey, Cosette, want me to proofread your resume?"

1707 Hanners in a suit – "You wanna work here? [Dora facepalm] ...it's just... it's a bad idea to hire your friends. You can't TREAT them as your friends when they work for you, they have to be your EMPLOYEES. And that can ruin your relationship." (B-but... you're friends with Faye and Penelope...) "Meh, $&#• 'em both." ("We love you too, Fearless Leader." "Even though you're a tremendous, dripping hate #&^%") [Dora Coffee Of Doom T-shirt!; SPECIALS: Yak butter in everything!]

1708 Faye thinks she'd be a fine employee ("uh, fastidious"); "And you think you can handle being covered with coffee grounds and really sweaty and having to take out the trash and stuff?... Okay, okay. I'll bring you on part-time. Come in tomorrow morning for training."

'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEEEE'EEEEE'E'EE

EE

E'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEE'EE

EE

E'EEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEEEE'EEEEEEEE

("It's resonating in my fillings!" "Oh god! Make it stop!" "What the #&!! Is going on?! There's like fifteen dogs outside trying to get in!") [7 kHz @ 120 dB, by the way]

1709 "Marten Marten MARTEN! I got the job! I GOT THE JOB!" (Mieville gets tossed aside) "Coffee of Doom! I'm gonna be working there part-time! I go in for training TOMORROW!" (Wow, what brought this on?) Happy Hannelore Hugging! (pause of realization) "Th-that was okay to do, right? I mean, normal people hug each other sometimes, like when they're really happy about something?" (Yeah, it's fine. Congratulations!) "I'm making so much progress today! Maybe I'm finally ready to try TACO BELL!" ("Whoa whoa whoa, let's not get ahead of ourselves" – and Marten means it.)

1710 Cosette got her cast off, and she has her resume! "Is there a problem?" Dora: "Every place you've ever worked at has closed. Fondue Hut closed after the health code violation. Mambo Juice closed when they caught the owner embezzling. Video Hut sold out to Blockbuster, which is now going out of business itself." (Coincidence! "Besides, the ice cream place I worked at is still in business!) Faye: "You didn't hear? The cops shut it down this morning. Apparently the guy running it was sellin' weed out the back." Dora: "I don't believe in curses, but you're also not gonna see me walking under a ladder while holding a black cat." (Would that cancel out?) Cosette: "I have a briefcase under my bed my boss told me never to open. I guess the police would probably like to see it."

1711 GUEST STRIP (Dave Shabet): Hannelore tries the Psychonut Chai Latte

1712 GUEST STRIP (Becky & Frank, Tiny Kitten Teeth): Will "edits" Pintsize's proposition

1713 GUEST STRIP (Rene Engstrom): Sven shows HIS fly organ... or not.

1714 GUEST STRIP (Lucid TV): Faye, Angus and Marten get "possessed"

1715 GUEST STRIP (Randy Milholland, Something*Positive): Yelling Bird & Rippy The Razor in "A Night On The Town!"

1716 Claire Witch Project! (There, I said it.) Penelope: "This is idiotic. There's no such thing as CURSES, she just had bad luck." Claire: "Young lady, you may not share my belief system but I'll kindly ask you to respect it in my presence." Dora: "She raises champion wolfhounds for living. She makes more money in a month than you (Faye) do in two years. Somehow I don't think she'd be interested." "Young lady, my tea?"Pen: "Aagh! Y-yes ma'am!"

1717 Claire looks at Cosette's scalp... then into her eyes... then: "Okay. Wash your hair every other day with this. DON'T WASH IT OTHERWISE. And put this cream on your face every night before you go to bed. She's not cursed. But that dye job has fried her hair and she's got awful skin." Cosette: "Th-this is DOG SHAMPOO!" Faye: "And doggy butt-cream!"

1718 Cosette got the job! (Cheesecake, anyone?) Steve: "That's great, but what are you doing to your hair?" She has to re-dye it for work: "Faye was complaining about there being 'too many blondes at the coffee shop.'... 'crypto-flaxen conspiracy'... then Penelope threw a ladle at her head. It sorta went downhill from there." Faye: "That throw was AMAZING!" Penelope: "Could you show me how to do that judo-hold you put me in?" (Dora mumbles something about " start robbing convenience stores")

1719 Hanners can't wait to start her new job! Faye likes to have her "morning bowel movements in peace and quiet." (Hanners puts on headphones and lights some scented candles to remove herself from the experience as much as possible.)

1720 Dora lays down the law about employment to Hanners and Cosette... "Oh, for Christ's sake, don't look at me like I'm Joseph ####ing Stalin. It's a friggin' coffee shop. Don't show up drunk or high and try not to #### up too much and you'll be fine." Faye: "Seriously, how the hell would I still be employed if she were that much of a hardass?"

1721 Faye works with the new girls on their "contempt-faces"; Cosette's a natural; Hanners looks like she's about to cry (wolves on a moose?); more HAUTEUR – "Like some filthy peasant got blood on the wheel of your carriage and then had the GALL to complain that you ran him over." Dora: "They don't even know how to make DRINKS yet!" Faye: "I know, I'm prioritizing." [SEVENTH ANNIVERSARY OF QC!]

1722 Hannelore made her first latte ("Wow, that was easy!"); Cosette, on the other hand... "Sorry! Sorry, sorry! Aiee!" PFFFFFSSHH... (Dora and Cosette are coated with espresso and foamed milk) Hannelore: "Man, I make a really good latte!"

1723 Angus "hazes the rookie"! ("Gimme a half-caf soy no foam latte, not too hot, with a s hot of vanilla and a dusting of nutmeg, fresh-ground only, please. Make it a medium, but put it in a large to-go cup.") Cosette: "The contempt-face isn't working. What do I do?" Faye: "This one's a special case. I recommend the 9-iron."

1724 Angus: "Is that HANNELORE running the espresso machine?... Wow, I never would've expected her to do that." Faye: "Me neither. People are fulla surprises." (pause) HE KISSES HER!?!?!!!!1111!!!!!!1 (Cosette: "Should we, uh, do something?" Dora: "Nothing we can do. He's got the tiger by the tail. If we separate them now she might kill him."

1725 ANGUS IS STILL ALIVE! (Faye's a bit disheveled, though.) "Okay, before you beat me to death, lemme just say that it seemed like a good idea at the time. (I. Uh.) ...If you're NOT gonna murder me, would you like to go out to dinner tonight?"(Um) Dora: "She'd love to. Her favorite place is that little Italian joint by where the copy shop used to be... (Nuh) Grunt once if you gotta pee, twice if it's a number two situation." (Muh) (Hanners: "That's... that's not part of our job, right?")

1726 Angus finally finds out that Marigold knows: "I know you like Faye. It's okay... I wish you'd told me sooner. Then I wouldn't have gotten the wrong idea." Angus: "Jesus, everything's going my way today. I should go buy some lottery tickets." Marigold: "No, no, you should play my WoW character! You could get me some sweet random drops!"

1727 Hannelore has coffee shop performance anxiety! Marten: "Yeah, like, the first time I ever played guitar in front of people? IMPOSSIBLE to maintain an erection." [No specials on the board!]

1728 Faye: "Skirt or pants? Skirt, or pants?" Marten: "Hey, I hear someone's got a date tonight." "Can you believe I'm actually nervous? (It's her first "actual date" since "before Dad died.") I figure, 30% chance I get too freaked out and bolt, 30% we end up fighting, and 30% it goes fine." (What's the last 10%? Pintsize: "ANAL")

1729 Yelling Bird: "Poor Lil' Jephy McBitchtits has himself a nasty widdle 'head cold' and can't do a comic tonight."

1730 Sayonara, Shelby-Sensei! [Shelby knocks both Yelling Bird AND Anime Sweetits into the next century: "The joke is that I really like Koji Kumeta's comics, and that Shelby enjoys punching things, I guess?"]

1731 The Fight to the Death! Marten" Before you go out with Faye, you must prove yourself worthy by defeating me in single combat!" Angus: "Very well! I accept your challenge!" (slap-fight ensues) Faye: "It's like a pathetic, real-life Scott Pilgrim." (Pintsize: "Scott Pilgrim ISN'T REAL?!")

1732 What, you'd seriously want me to fight him? Faye: "I think every lady likes to think she's got a little bit of Helen of Troy in her, you know?" Angus: "If you liked it then you shoulda had a war for it..."

1733 Return of the Alphabet Trick! Angus: "Just lemme get this condom on and I'll do it in Morse code." (awkward pause) Faye: "Can we end this line of conversation? You're putting me off my gnocchi."

1734 What did you wanna be when you were a kid? Faye: "I was always into art, but I don't think I'll ever be a huge success or anything. I'm content to just do it in my spare time, I think." Angus: "I've always wanted to be a comedic actor. TV or movies, that sort of thing... I tried for a few small parts after I got outta college, but nothing really panned out. Then I got my current gig and moved up here. It's not EXACTLY what I wanna be doing, but it's close enough..." Faye: "Well, here's to compromise, then." Angus: "May we be able to look back on our lives when we're old and say, "Meh, good enough, I guess."

1735 Angus' guilty musical pleasure: "...James Taylor." Faye: "...Toto." Angus" "You... like... TOTO?!" (Not ALL their stuff! Just... just some songs.) "No, you don't understand, I... on the count of three, we each say our favorite Toto song. Ready?" (Y-yeah...) "One, two..." [Both say "AFRICA"] (pause – then SMOOCHES!)

1736 Ah, love! Faye opts out of coming upstairs, since she has to work in the morning – but she can't go: "If I'm gonna leave, you need to let go of my bottom." (Aw!)

1737 Marten: "How'd the big date go?" [Marten's reading Guitar Porn, while Pintsize is reading PC World – with a centerfold?] Faye: "What's your favorite Toto song?" "Uh, Rosanna, I guess. Why?" (Faye gives his hair a tousle) "G'night." (Pintsize insists "IT'S 'HOLD THE LINE' YOU ####S")

1738 Meanwhile, for Angus, it's DANCE TIME! (And this time, Marigold joins him for the celebratory dance...) "So, the date went well?" "DWAH!" [And Momo falls over after pirouetting on the couch]

1739 "Hey Dora?" (sleeping) "What? TOTO? Man, #### Toto. Toto SUCKS. Lemme go back to sleep." [And the long, awkward silence of the night begins.]

1740 Panic Attack in the Dark! "I r-really LIKE him! And- and I know he's not gonna up and leave or die or anything but I'm so SCARED and I don't know WHY!" Marten (hugging Faye on couch): "It's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be fine. Angus really likes you and he's a good dude and it's gonna be fine, I promise." Faye: "...Marten?" "Y-yes?" "Could you, like, shift your position? You're, uh, kinda pokin' outta your boxers a little.' (DAAH!) [Alternate versions available!]

1741 "Ain't the first boxer mishap I've been witness to." (Okay...how're you feeling?) "Better. Less freaked out. I mean, still freaked out, but LESS." (That's good. I'm really happy for you and Angus. I don't wanna see you screw this up.) "I'm... excited about it." [Platonic hug – on couch] "Thank you for bein' my friend, Marten." (Of course!) [ENTER DORA] Marten: "I... I hate to be cliché but this isn't what it looks like." Dora: "I don't even know WHAT this looks like, but it isn't good." Faye: "Just when I thought I was out of panic-adrenaline..."

1742 "And you DIDN'T THINK to maybe PUT SOME PANTS ON? (I was...) So you just decided to SNUGGLE UP ON THE COUCH IN YOUR UNDERWEAR. (We weren't SNUGGLING!...) Can you NOT SEE how I might find this A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE?! (it isn't how it... the LAST thing on my mind...)(to Faye) Don't come in to work tomorrow. (to Marten) And don't come back to bed tonight."

1743 The Aftermath; "Oh my god, this is all my fault." "No it isn't. She's just in F###ing Crazy Mode for some reason... Of course I'm mad! She's being ridiculous. Whatever. I'm going for a walk." (You, uh, don't have any pants on.) [Facepalm!](Faye breaks out the jeans and the Hello Kitty belt...)

1744 Faye goes postal (and breaks the latch on Marten's door!); "I wasn't f###ing cuddling him! I just needed someone to talk to! If YOU'D answered the door it woulda been YOU insteada Marty. An' I bet you wouldn'a been wearin' pants either! I spent like an HOUR making out with Angus tonight. That's what I was freaking out about! Why the #### would I turn around and do anything with MARTEN? Do you really think I'd DO that?! (I... I just...) I don't know what's going on in that crazy purple head of yourse, but you better get in check before you #### EVERYTHING up. (pause) If you haven't already."

1745 Marten found someone to talk to: "...I can understand being UNCOMFORTABLE with the fact that we were huggin' in our underpants, but there was a perfectly good explanation... One minute she's cool, the next she's FREAKING OUT. It's apparently okay for HER to get all flirty with other girls but if one so much as BREATHES on me it's f'in ARMAGEDDON. Every one of our fights has been about her crazy insecurity. I'm just so tired of trying to convince her that, yes, I'm ACTUALLY HAPPY WITH HER... So I don't know WHAT to do. What do you think?" SVEN: "Was Faye wearing a bra?..." (I knew I shoulda kept walking when you said "hey.")

1746 Where is this coming from? Sven: "The 'Chill and understanding' thing is an act. She's a mess underneath it all... first dude she's ever dated who wasn't a complete douchebag? ...Real Alpha-Goth types. Treated her like $#!+, cheated on her, the works. She's never been in a really healthy relationship." (You coulda filled me in on all this when I first started dating her, y'know.) "Yeah, and you coulda slid the Cliff's Notes on Faye under my door, too. So I guess we're even."

1747 Marten: "Man, I love Faye, but there's no WAY a Cliff's Notes on her would fit under a door." Sven: "...my building does have a loading dock out back... Go easy on her, okay? She's a good kid." (How've you been? Haven't "talked since the thing with you and Faye went down.") "Oh, you know... writin' songs, playin' video games. The usual. Oh hey, if you know any cute single girls.. (meaningful pause for self-reflection) Actually, you should probably keep them away from me. See ya." (What is with everyone tonight? ...some kinda f'in angst solstice?)

1748 [Dora's sitting, curled up on the couch] Dora: "Are you gonna break up with me?" Marten: "What? No!" D: "I'm sorry I flipped out on you again." M:"It's okay. I mean, it's something we've gotta fix. But it's okay... I just wish you'd listened to the explanation before you blew up." D: "So you're not mad at me?" M: "No. But in the interest of full disclosure..." (she saw his junk through his boxers, and he's wearing her pants right now...) D: "Sweetie, I love you, but if I'm gonna work on being less of a crazy bitch you HAVE to work on your sense of timing." M: "Deal."

1749 Marten: "How come you never told me you've never had a healthy relationship?... I ran into (Sven) on my walk." Dora: "I've had... well, I mean, they weren't the BEST, but I was YOUNG, I didn't know what I was looking for in a guy! (why she's so insecure about Marten?) I don't know. You ARE the first genuinely nice guy I've ever been with. Maybe I'm subconsciously expecting you to be an a-hole like everyone else... I'm still the stupid mess I've always been." M: "You're not a mess. We've all got our hang-ups. We can fix this. I love you." D: "I love you, too." [Side Hugs!] Pintsize: "LESS TALKING, MORE HOT MAKE-UP SEX" M: "GET OUT." D: "Good suggestion, though."

1750 Dora apologizes to Faye: "Sorry about last night... We had a long talk, and I'm gonna try and be more open about stuff. We'll see if that helps." (So everything's cool? You and Marty are fine, and I can come into work and stuff?) "Yeah" (I was worried our entire social circle was gonna implode all 'cause I didn't put on some goddamn PANTS. ) "To be fair, you weren't wearing a bra, either."

1751 Marty gives Faye her pants back; "I'm glad everything worked out last night. Oh, do you still have my belt? (Marty shows that he's wearing it.) Oh, all right. The ears dig into my tummy when I set down, anyway." (YESSSS) [Note on fridge: PAY RENT!]

1752 Proposition Avoidance Countermeasures class with Dora! "Sven is gonna pretend to be a customer asking you out on a date. I wanna see you shut him down." (Sven is OBVIOUSLY not thrilled with this; he makes a scatological reference towards Cosette) Cosette: "I… wh… do you seriously GET customers like this?!" Dora: "God dammit, Sven." Hannelore: "If we get customers like that I quit."

1753 Sven: "Okay, okay. For real this time. (in 'character') I was wondering if you'd like to get dinner with me sometime." Cosette: "A, I have a boyfriend and B, Ew. Buzz off." (Excellent! Your turn, Hanners." Sven: "I'd REALLY like to take you on a date. How's dinner and a movie – (Hannelore speaks in C'thulu language) I… wow. Yeah. Definitely discouraged me." Hanners: "What just happened? Everything blanked out for a second there."

1754 Dora: "Okay, I guess that means you pass." Sven (to Dora) "Can I go home now?" Hannelore (embarrassed): "A-actually… do you think we COULD go on a date?" (What?) "I mean, like a pretend one? I'm – I'm not interested in you ROMANTICALLY. I'm not interested in ANYBODY romantically, it's just… I've never been on a date before, so I think it'd be nice to know what it's like, even if it's just pretend." (Dora's turn to channel the Old Ones!) Sven: "Apparently Dora objects. And is also an eldritch horror from beyond time and space."

1755 Dora: "It's not that I don't think you should go on a DATE, it's just that you picked literally the WORST POSSIBLE GUY to do it with." Sven: "You know what? I'll do it. I'll take Hanners on a date." Dora (holding back the headache) Sven, you know how you talked to Marten last night about me blowing up? I'm trying REALLY hard not to do that right now." Sven: "That's why this is a good idea! You have to try and trust me, I have to live up to that trust, and Hannelore gets to have a good time in the process." Dora: "Hannelore, you don't understand. Sven has WILES. I mean, if he could get FAYE to put out for him, I shudder to think…" Sven: "You have my word that if she somehow MAGICALLY overcomes her crippling anxieties and throws herself at me, I'll say no." Hanners: "I can only think of a couple instances where I'd throw myself at you. Maybe if a bus was coming at us or something."

1756 "This is against my better judgment, but you can go... just, please don't make me regret this." OH MY GOD WHAT WILL I WEAR? ("That's what the lady is supposed to say now, right?")

1757 Hannelore has a BAD first day: Stinky customers, splashing espresso machine, coffee grounds bag breaking, Cosette's drive-by pastry spillage, garbage bag breaking, plunging the toilet... "CAN I TAKE MY LUNCH BREAK PLEASE" (It's not even 10 AM!)

1758 "Dammit, Cosette!" (She ends up out in the alley next to Hanners!) [Fixed strip]

1759 Faye consoles the two "overwhelmed" rookies... or not: "The first day is always crazy, but it gets easier. You guys are gonna be fine. (Really? You think so?) Nah, that's just what Dora told me to tell you. It never gets easier, and you'll get fired if you keep f&#*in' up so much. Anyway, back to work!"

1760 Faye: "WHY ARE YOU GOING ON A DATE WITH SVEN?!" Hanners: "It's just a pretend date"; Faye gives a scenario where Sven could seduce her ("Cleanest Vegan Restaurant in the Valley"? "Movie about fonts"?? "Offers to clean your kitchen"???); she blushes, but she insists she couldn't kiss him, because "I could only kiss a boy who was the same height as me."

1761 Faye doesn't "threaten with some ridiculous act of violence" anymore: "You're dealing with a kinder, gentler Faye. The ultraviolence is only IMPLIED now."

1762 Hannelore shows up, and Sven thinks she looks great! "Wait, do you really mean that, or is that just what you're supposed to say at the start of a date?... Well... If you REALLY mean it, that contributes to the authenticity of the date experience. But this date is artificial to begin with, so any genuine feelings of flattery I experience would be inherently compromised..." [Time to go to the blackboard! Lust coefficent / (awareness)2(h+3) = (susp. of disbelief)/(awkwardness); cos(flirting)-1 = blush quotient / tan (smirk?)2; x = p if dessert = true (Tart theory?); overall outcome = x(happiness/disgust)/(actual feelings)]

1763 Hanners: "So, what's the plan?" Sven: "Oh, no plan, really... unless there's something the girl specifically wants to do. I prefer to improvise... For you, I'd say we go to that little hole-in-thewall Korean place up on King. It looks sketchy as #3!! but the food is amazing." (Sven posits his theory on how to get a girl "into" him) "So... is that where we're going to eat?" "Oh GOD no. Last time I was in there I saw a rat the size of a Corgi in their kitchen."

1764 "Ed a ma me, ed-a ed-a ma-me-me" (sing with me!) Faye and Sven never really went on any dates; "Aw, who am I kidding. Honestly? I haven't (been on any dates) because I miss Faye. I don't know WHY I miss her, but... No, wait. Yes I do. Those boobs. And that @$$. I never used to be into girls that curvy, but MAN..." (Is this really what you're s'posed to talk about on a date?)

1765 "Sorry, sorry. I'll shut up about Faye... B'but YOU'RE super gorgeous too! I mean, if you weren't freaked out about it I'd totally do you!" (long awkward pause with blushing – and Hanners slowly pushing away from the table...) "OH MY GOD WHERE IS OUR FOOD."

1766 Hannelore gets the incredibly oversized hoodie of Sven's (and looks incredibly cute!); "It's so big!" ("I love it when girls say that"; failed double entendre roll by Hanners) ICE CREAM! LET'S GO GET ICE CREAM! NEVER TOO COLD FOR ICE CREAM

1767 Hanners forgot her purse! She had her "cell phone, wallet, keys, mace, taser, multitool, Swiss army knife... (pause) OH MY GOD I'M TOTALLY DEFENSELESS!!! Please don't murder me, please please please!" (cowering) "I'm not gonna murder you That wouldn't exactly be gentlemanly of me."

1768 Watching the stars... and Dad's space station! "Hi dad!... This is really nice. Thank you for taking me out tonight, Sven" "No prob." (Pause for a deep, meaningful look... then) "Herp" "Derp" BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

1769 Outside the apartment building; Sven: "It was actually really nice to go out with someone WITHOUT tryin' to get in their pants." Hanners: "Hee hee! I'm not even WEARING pants!" (extend the hand for a handshake... and Hannelore HUGS!) "Thank YOU. And don't listen to Dora and Faye. You're a nice guy at heart." (Speaking of which...) Faye (looking down from window): "They're hugging." Dora: "$#!+. Is it a chaste hug?" Faye: "Looks pretty chaste, yeah." Pintsize: "Grab her @$$! GRAB HER @$$!"

1770 Third degree time: "How'd it go? Was my brother super smarmy?" "You didn't make out with him or anything, didja?" "No. He was a perfect gentleman and you should be very proud of him." Dora: "And you're not, like... INTO him now, right?" Hanners: "Can't you just be happy for me? I went on a DATE, even if it was just pretend! And I didn't freak out1 And Sven was really nice about the whole thing! And for your information, I'm NOT 'into' him. Although I... I did consider grabbing his butt at one point." (Faye: "Can't blame you..." Marten: "Sven's? ...daaang, dude has a GREAT butt." Dora: "aaaaaaulghrghrigh")

1771 Marigold emerges from the local 7-11 [U HAVE BUKKET size cup] to find... DALE! "Well well, if it isn't our little Tauren warrior... Your day of reckoning is coming, like a thief in the night. Or should I say... like a rogue?" [Scary glasses as he exits: HAH HAH HAH HAUGH! BONK!] "Uh... little help, here? I’m stuck in a trash can." "May the oppossums grow fat on your flesh."

1772 Marigold finds out about the "pretend date"... Hanners: "...Are you jealous that I went on a date before you did? (M-maybe a little...) Oh NO! Is this going to be the wedge that drives our friendship apart? (What? No, I just - ) ...I'm so sorry! I'll always cherish the time we had together!" (Marigold chases her around the apartment while Angus and Momo sit on the couch) Angus: "You want the paper?" Momo: "Just the sports section, please."

1773 Angus arrives at CoD! "Hey, Haven't seen you in a few days." [Faye is sharpening the sword while wearing THE SWORD shirt] (pause) "So..." "Yeah..." (pause) "Man, how the hell are things MORE awkward now that we've made out?" "Haha, SERIOUSLY!" (pause) "Wanna make out?" "Yes." Dora (off-screen) "NOT DURING WORK HOURS."

1774 Faye filled in Angus; "...all that drama just 'cause you were in your underpants?" [taking out the trash in the back alley] "...I'm never leaving my bedroom without pajama bottoms on ever again." (So what were they talking about?) "Just anxiety stuff. He's kinda my sounding board for that... It's no big deal. ...Seriously, it's okay. Let it go." "Okay, okay... Because I really want this to work out, and I don't wanna do anything that would make you uncomfortable-" "I WILL LET YOU TOUCH MY BOOBS IF YOU'LL SHUT UP."

1775 "I hate to interrupt your reverie, but my break ends in like-" "Shhhhhh"

1776 So what happens when you brew tea in hot coffee? (Eldrictch horror, demons, fire, heads on a pike and bleeding eyeballs?) Dora: "No, nothing like that happens. It just tastes gross." Faye: "But if you mix yerba mate and espresso, it WILL summon Yog-Sothoth."

1777 Winslow: "Hey, did you hear? The Singularity happened." (Pintsize doesn't "feel any different... Where's the sexy robotic elohim guiding civilization to some unimaginable apotheosis?") "At least there's e-cake!" [HAPPY SIGNULARITY]

1778 Tai realizes that "even if (Marten) and Dora broke up, (she) couldn't sleep with her 'cause it would be too weird." Marten: "Oh, I'm so sorry... I appreciate you value our friendship that much." (Uh, that's not what she meant...)

1779 Sloppy seconds, happy-batter, joy-juice, glee-gloop, Euphoria Fluid and cummerbunds! [He didn't even MEAN to do that last one!]

1780 The "Friendly AI" Singularity "PROBABLY won't kill or enslave us or anything!" (Faye's reading Barista Weekly, the "$&#• YOU" Issue; Cosette tries the "I for one" meme and gets it upside the head); dolphins could be smarter – but then again THEY KIDNAP FEMALES SO THEY CAN RAPE THEM. ("I... I don't like dolphins anymore.") Dolphins are apparently really creepy to talk to.

1781 Hey, we have seen this one before, right? ["Updated" version of strip #268, with Faye dousing Marten's ex-girlfriend Vicky with milk; Vicky looks eerily like Cosette]

1782 Sven stops in and is surprised that Faye's actually being nice to him! ("You kept your word about the date with Hanners the other night.") Maybe he should try "having an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP with a girl." ("Not likely... I have NO IDEA how to have one... I'd probably just screw it up.") Wait – that's actually TRUE. "I'd refer you to my therapist, but she's already said she won't work with anyone else in my social circle." [Specials: NOTHING TODAY JERKS]

1783 Sven: "Wait, you're... seeing someone?" Faye: "Yeah, kinda." Sven: "W-well, that's great! I'm... I'm really happy for you! (No he's not.) I, uh, I gotta run..." (Faye stands dumbfounded, then Hannelore leans in and whispers)"He misses your body" AUGH

1784 "Wow. I broke him." Maybe she needs a warning label? [CAUTION: Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Faye's breasts.]

1785 Pintsize is undergoing a TRANSFORMATION! "It must be the Singularity! It's finally coming to subsume me!" Marten: "It's not the singularity, dude." [reading Guitar Porn again] "Yes! YES! Take me! TAKE ME, OH OMNISCIENT MACHINE PANTHEON!" FZZT (Marten removes Pintsize's head) "You're not being subsumed. A cricket got stuck on your motherboard and fried itself." Winslow: "Mister Peepers! Nooooooooo!!!"

1786 Marigold is caught by Faye reading about Ron's "inevitable cleft"... Tai: "Wait, are you reading Quidditch Field Idyll? (Um, m-maybe...) I wrote that." WILL YOU SIGN MY NETBOOK [Is Tai wearing Dora's shirt from 217?]

1787 Tai (as she's signing Mar's netbook) "I don't usually do the guy-on-guy stuff..." Marigold really likes it! "I'd love to hear some of your 'brutal criticisms.'" "S-sure!" (Faye: "Marigold has no idea, does she." Dora: "Nope." Faye: "Should we have warned her?" Cute face Dora: "Nope."

1788 Tai: "...You'd be surprised how many professional authors got their start doing fanfic." Marigold: "Do you wanna come back to my place, and, um, m-maybe I could show you some of MY fanfic?" "That's a novel euphemism." (None are long enough to be NOVELS! Promise!)

1789 "I can take it if it sucks, just tell me the truth!" (Tai looks... and, well...) "Well, it's... it's got a lot of potential! (happy Marigold) I mean, it could use some work. Like, a lot of... work... (sad Marigold) B-but yeah! Tons of potential!" (happy Marigold)

1790 Tai the English lit major: "No, see, you can't just say 'And then Harry kissed Ron and it was very sexy.'" Marigold the clueless: "Why not?" "Well, you have to show people WHY it's sexy..." Tai tries to use an example – but Marigold's reaction? "Ron... and Snaaape..."(blushing) Tai: "I give up."

1791 Still pining for your roommate? Plenty of other fish in the sea; Marigold: "Too bad none of 'em want anything to do with me." Tai: "Don't sell yourself short. I'd TOTALLY make out with you." Mar: "Psh, I'm not that desperate." Tai: "...Wow. Ouch. Okay then." Marigold the clueless: "Huh?"

1792 "I'M SO SORRY! I – I DIDN'T MEAN – YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE DESPERATE TO – I WASN'T THINKING –" It's okay, it's okay! "I'm not – I don't like girls like that. I'm sorry! It's... it's very flattering, though. Thank you." (Want me to take off my pants and see if it does anything for you, just in case?) "N-no thanks! You already did that once!"

1793 Marigold is INSPIRED! HERMIONE AND GINNY VERSUS THE SPACE WIZARDS!

1794 Puberty discussions, crusty socks, misinformed high school sex ed teachers, "wallowing in porn"; "Why do I need lotion in my bedroom?"

---

THE BREAKUP

---

1795 Dora: "So what kind of porn DO you like, anyway?..." Marten: "You really wanna do that? What if it turns out I'm secretly into scat, or torture-porn, or something even worse? Do you really wanna know that about me? Once you open that Pandora's box, you can't close it again." (beat) Dora: "Nah, you're WAY too whitebread to be into anything THAT weird. Faye, watch the store. I'm gonna go ask Pintsize."

1796 "What's the big deal? I's not like you had some weird fetish to hide." "It's not ABOUT that, it's about me wanting some basic privacy and you completely IGNORING that!" SLAM!

1797 "...Well, I guess that's it, then." SLAM! 1798 Marten (at COD) "Have you seen Dora? Has she come by here?" Faye: "She just called and said she was going to Sven's. What's going on?" "Another fight..." "Whoa, dude. Bitter much?" "...Yeah. Yeah I am." (exits) "WELP time for some Emergency Bourbon."

1799 "...It's been wonderful, sweetie. It really has. But I think we should call it quits." 1800 "Marty? Oh, you guys didn't – you didn't..." "It's okay. It was mutual." "It was?" "Yeah. We're both sick of her crap." [click]

1801 to 1900

1801 Faye: "...Wait, WHAT?...What the hell do I have to do to convince her I'm not secretly ####ing pining for you?! ...if this was gonna be such a big deal, why the ### did she get together with you in the first place!? ... I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna ####ing kill her." Marten: "Please don't... you're my best friend, and I'm asking you to let it go..." (C'mon, at least lemme break one of her arms.) "No, because then she'd fire you and I'd have to pay the rent for this place all on my own."

1802 "I guess you probably heard." "Yeah." HUGGGGGG! "Right now I would like nothing more than to beat you so hard you need to eat through a straw for the rest of your life. But Marty asked me not to. You ruined a perfectly good thing for the STUPIDEST REASON POSSIBLE. You need HELP. I'm going to my therapist today, and I'm getting you areferral. And if you don't follow it up, so help me God I WILL put you in the emergency room." (*sniffle.. SOB*) "Yes, yes, snot on my shirt. That's what friends are for." [Is Faye... tearing up there?]

1803 Sven stops by – "Oh, sorry. I thought you’d be at work..." "Nah, don’t worry about it. I was just heading out now." "...I’m sorry it didn’t work out." "Yeah, me too." "...ever want to get together and ja sometime, just let me know... And if you need some meaningless rebound sex..." OKAY THANK YOU BYE

---

1804 OMG TURKEYS 2010!!! (Jimbo. Yeah, definitely Jimbo.)

1805 Sad Hanners is SAD! "I th-though you guys would be together F-FOREVER!" (We've got customers...) "Um, a large latte?" (Hanners can't hold it in) "THUH-THAT WAS MUH-MARTEN'S FUH-FAVORTIE DRINK!" "DAMMIT HANNERS YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY AGAIN" (Oh, jeez. Death in the family? In a manner of speaking.) [Specials. none today. #### off.]

1806 Hanners returns the Worry Hat to Marten! "I'm – I'm sorry, you just look really silly." Marten: "Yeah, common side-effects of the Worry Hat include silly appearance, headsweats, impaired hearing, and compulsive fiddling with the pom-pom."

1807 Angus: "Jesus, I can't believe they broke up... You don't... actually still have a thing for him, right?" Faye: "Oh, for ####'s sake, don't YOU start now." "So that ship's really sailed?" "It never even left the dry dock! They tried to break the bottle of champagne on its bow and the whole thing collapsed! (Relationships as nautical metaphors!) Me and Sven was a speedboat that caught fire and exploded. You and I are a paddle steamer near Niagara Falls... (It may fail in a spectacular and hilarious fashion?) Ten million YouTube views, minimum."

1808 "Here, call this number and they'll hook you up with a therapist." "Okay, I'll do it tomorrow." "Not tomorrow, right now." "I said I'll do it tomorrow." rrrrRRR "I don't think they'll appreciate it when I say you threatened me with physical harm if I didn't call." "Yeah, that's something my therapist says I need to work on."

1809 Poor emo Marten can't go to the coffee shop anymore... "But it was FREE..." (How many angry squirrels do you think you could take in a fight?)

1810 Marten's on the phone: "Yeah, I'm okay. I mean, I'm not GREAT, but I'll live... No, you don't have to come visit. I'm fine, and I've got work, and – ...What do you MEAN you already bouth the tickets?! I don't – (sigh) Okay. See you tomorrow. Yeah, love you too mom. Bye." (switch to CoD) Dora: "Eesh, I feel like a goose just walked over my grave." (Faye's grave is gonna be BADASS.)

1811 Mom's coming to visit? Tai: "Omigod, can I meet her? Please???" "Why, so you can make out with her? You'll have to get in line behind DORA." "Dude, I get that you're upset, but..." "...I just... I can't deal with all this $#!+. I can't." Tai hugs... "Woops! Found a nipple!"

1812 Self-medicating with alcohol? "I'm not gonna self-medicate. I'm gonna get drunk. Don't worry about it, Hanners. I'll be fine." (pause) [Pintsize is laying on the back of the couch... in a rather unspeakable position] [Marten drinks straight out of the bottle]

1813 Hannelore and Marten sitting on the couch. Marten's getting drunk, while Hanners is sipping... "Was... was that your –" NO.

1814 Dora tells Sven about seeing a doctor about her insecurities; "It's really weird hearing genuine big-brother advice from you." "Hey, I've given you big-brother advice before! Remember when you were five?" "Yes I do. Your 'advice' killed all of mom's goldfish and got me grounded for two weeks." "I never said it was good advice..."

1815 YELLING BIRD! Randy's Back! "I am eternal"

1816 Hannelore has to go check on Marigold (Cataclysm expansion pack); Marten is visited by the Beast of Bourbon! "You're a terrible influence, alcohol-induced hallucination."

1817 Faye and Angus makin' out – but she needs to go check up on Marty. "Where'd you put my bra?" "I didn't take it off, you did." "What? No I didn't. You did." "No, I'd definitely remember if I took it off. You must have." "This isn't funny. If I find out you're keeping it as some kind of creepy trophy..." "I swear to God I have no idea where it is!" "Could... could the SHEER INTENSITY of our make-outs have VAPORIZED my lady-holsters?" "Maybe it's some kind of quantum tunnelling effect. Lemme go check and see if Marigold has two bras on now."

1818 "Did you drink that entire bottle? Please tell me you didn't drink that entire bottle." POW! "At least one of us isn't gonna remember this in the morning."

1819 Awakened to the sound of puking; "Did I... say anything stupid last night? I feel like I vaguely remember saying something stupid." (meaningful pause by Faye) "No, you were fine. I mean, you were super-drunk, but you didn't say anything weird." "Man, where did I get this huge bump on the side of my head?" "OWLS." "Owls?" "OWLS."

1820 Veronica's back! "How are you feeling, sweetie? Are you holding up okay?" "I feel... hung over, mainly. Drank way too much last night." "...So, do you want me to kill Dora for you?" "What?! No!" "Don't worry about me, honey! I've lived a long, happy life. I wouldn't mind spending my twilight years in prison if it would make you feel better." (I love you too, mom.)

1821 Lunch: She'll have a Hendricks martini, cornichons (or olives otherwise). "And your phone number for my boy here." Mom. "Oh honey, I know she's gorgeous, but that doesn't mean she's out of your league!..." Mom! "Come on, back me up here..." MOM. "And you know, the first thing the nurse told me when he came out..." MOM.

1822 Mom meets Tai: OH MY GOD I LOVE THE TINY BUTCH ONES (Hoif!) "Oh, I – I'm sorry, I – " (Will you be my new mommy?) "Today just keeps getting better and better."

1823 She was only trying to help, Marten. Suddenly it hits Tai: "Oh my god COME WITH ME TO THE GOTH CLUB TONIGHT" Sorry, but that'd qualify as work (and she can't afford Veronica's rates).

1824 Hannelore's turn! "Are... are you Marten's mom? ...I'm very p-pleased to meet you." "Wait, THIS is the one you were telling me about? She seems perfectly normal!" (Wh-what did he tell you?!)

1825 "Go take a nap, sweetie... (pause) Whooo wants to see BABY PICTURES?" (Hanners: "Oh my gosh let me call Faye first!")

1826 Yelling Bird does NOT get it: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Sweetits: "You know he's eternal so STOP ####ING SHOOTING HIM ALREADY" Shame Orb: "YOU DROPPED A CINDERBLOCK ON RANDY INSTANCE 20509A"

1827 Marten awakes... and all eyes are on him. "#########, you showed them the picture of me with the dildo, didn't you." "It's such a cute picture!" (Tai and Faye can't hold in the laughter, though Hanners is trying her best)

1828 The pictures: Mom and dad with cute baby Marten; Marten's Christmas Xylophone; Dino Marten at Halloween!; and, of course, the dildo picture (and "My Mommy Spanks People" t-shirt)

1829 Pintsize tries to Goatse Ms. Reed... "NO DON'T DO IT – Aaaand now my mom's been goatse'd. Great." (Faye tosses Pintsize across the room; Hanners: "I'm not looking! I'm not looking!") But Veronica sees something: "...Kirk? That IS Kirk! I'd recognize that gape anywhere. Why, I haven't seen him since your high school graduation!" (Speaking of gapes: everyone's mouth is on the floor. Jeph: "I... I really hope Marten didn't shake his hand.")

1830 Happy New Year! (Marigold 2011, Hannelore 2010)

1831 Tai speculates on Hannermom's "kinks", but mom's never heard anything; that's when they run into Sven (reading PC Whore); "Veronica Reed. VERY pleased to meet you." "Sven Bianchi. I'm, uh, Dora's older brother." (pause) "I suppose it would be incredibly bad form for me to seduce you." "'Fraid so." (Marten: "That's it. I'm going back to bed" – but Tai grabs his wrist to keep him right there)

1832 And she slips out of the restaurant... and into Coffee of Doom! "Excuse me, is Dora in?" Penelope: "You must be Marten's mom. She's hiding under the counter." "I TOLD YOU TO SAY I WAS IN CANADA"

1833 She HUGS her? "How are you holding up?" "It'd... It'd be easier if you'd just be MEAN about it." "I could, um, make something up about how you've gained weight since the last time I saw you! Would that help?" "I feel better already." (No she doesn't.)

1834 "DAMMIT mom, I know that tone of voice. You totally went to Coffee of Doom to cause a scene, didn't you. Tai, check under her fingernails for blood." (Hanners: "Dora would've at least put up a fight, and she's not missing any buttons or chunks of hair or eyeballs or anything.")

1835 Backtalking Marten! MARTEN TIBERIUS REED! (Is his middle name really Tiberius? "It WOULD be, if his father weren't such a stick in the mud.")

1836 There's a bright side? "You're still surrounded by people who care about you. Hannelore, Tai, Faye, Steve... even Pintsize. In his own weird way." Skrzzt flarzit marm? (Man, you really hit the wall hard when Faye threw you, huh.) Cump.

1837 Things you shouldn't say out loud, Sven edition: "Man, Marten's mom is kinda hot, for an older woman." CLICK! "OH COME ON!"

1838 Mom drops by in the AM on Faye; "I was worried you'd be pissed at me for not gettin' together with marty. "Oh no no no, you'd have been a TERRIBLE couple... You and Marten? Seriously? Christ, that would have been a nightmare!"

1839 "So... how was Dora doing, yesterday?" "Oh, she was... sad. Like you.... If you're feeling relieved, maybe that means you made the right decision? Or not? I don't know." "You don't have any opinions or useful advice for me here?" "Honey, I married a gay man and routinely sleep with men young enough to be my children. You're asking the wrong parent."

1840 "All right sweetie, it's time for me to get going... Are you going to be all right?" (Yeah, I think so.) "That's my boy. And don't forget – you're single now! You can have lots and lots of casual sex! Just use protection!" (Love you too, mom.)

1841 Faye: "Oh, thank god she's gone." Hanners: "I don't understand why you're so scared of her. She's really nice!" Marten: "What? Did she say something about you and Angus?" "No, she said WE woulda made a terrible couple..." "Huh... if you really think about it she's probably right. But at least the sex would've been amazing!" Hahah...hah...heh..." AWKWARD ZONE = INITIATED

1842 RIDICULOUS HAT ZONE! (The ushanka returns, along with Marten's Top Hat and... Hannelore's Blood Tree baseball cap?) "Sorry, that sounded a lot more flippant in my head... Man... I guess I gotta find someplace else to get coffee now." Hannelore: "We could... we could get you a disguise! And an alias!" Faye: "Ah yes, our good friend Netram Deer, international financier and ostrich racer."

1843 Marten and Hanners look for a new coffee shop: (Generic coffee shop – Starbucks?) "Too many hippies... (LanPark!) Would YOU trust an AnthroPC to make your coffee? (Vladex's Beverage Emporium – "You want coffee? Maybe I get you coffee. Maybe I get you punch in face.") ...Alarming." Hanners: "I didn't realize how many coffee shops there are in town." Marten: "You never really notice all of them unless you stop to think about it. They're like pigeons." (Oh, I always notice pigeons.)

1844 "I've never been down this street before... (blonde in a fairy outfit breezes by) That... that was just a strange person in a costume, right?" (Marten: "I hope so. If we see a unicorn I'll drop dead from terminal worldview collapse.")

1845 The Secret Bakery! Cross-neck Guy! Sensitive Brawny Guy! Short Dark Girl (Renee; name not revealed until 1859): "The giant blender thing is on fire." Long-Haired Apron Girl (Padma; name not revealed until 1857): "We don't have a 'giant blender thing'." "Well, something's on fire back there." $H!+!" (Marten: "Did we just walk into an alternate-universe Coffee of Doom?" Hanners: "I don't think I want to meet my doppelganger.") [New backgrounds! New location! Jeph's cramped hand!]

1846 "Wow, their coffee is pretty good. This pastry thing is amazing too. Wow. Even their chairs are really comfy and - " IF YOU LOVE THIS PLACE SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU JUST MARRY IT (Actually, we do amazing wedding cakes - ) THIS PLACE IS A BUTT AND YOU ARE ALSO A BUTT

1847 Marten: "Just because this place is nice doesn't mean I'm gonna totally abandon you guys." Hanners: "You better not. I'd be sad. And Faye would beat you up." [Muscle guy checking his phone; Renee snoozing on the cake display counter] "Why are you so upset, anyway? We live, like, thirty feet apart. I'll still see you all the time." "...Now it's all different and I don't know what to do." "Change can be scary, but the best we can do is try to adapt." (I wish that meant I could grow wings or infrared vision instead of this vague sense of unease.) [Sign outside shop:]

The Secret Bakery Discreet Baked Goods & Coffee Tue-Fri 6 AM – 8 PM Sat-Sun 8 AM – 8 PM Closed Mondays 1848 Dora's Back in Black! Sven's "an ass, but it beats moving back in with my folks. I can't get my old place back, but I'm sure something decent will come up for rent eventually." ("I'm glad you're getting' on with your life" – and a light Faye punch!) "I can't just lie around feeling sorry for myself all the time." (True – that way lies ice-cream fatness and shameful blog posts.) "There are things lurking in my saved draft posts that would make a heartbroken 14 year old go 'oh come on, that's a bit much'."

1849 Steve! "Dude. Strip club. Tonight." Cosette "What?" Marten: "No thanks." (Ugh, you're such a pig... Because the only thing you can think of to cheer up your friend is to force him to participate in an activity centered on the degradation and objectification of women!) Steve: "...I saw those pictures of you at your sister's bachelorette party. (I was – I was drunk! And grandma put my hand there!) Your grandma ####in' rules."

1850 "Guess I gotta get used to sleepin' alone again..." "Would you rather be the outside spoon?"

1851 Faye and Angus; "Professional Sexmaster" or "Late-night TV Show"? Big heads, swollen heads... and writing partners?

1852 Marigold's not happy. "I told Angus I wanted to use the TV tonight but he's out there with Faye. I can't go out there! What if they're making out or something?" (Momo checks: "Yes, you should probably stay in here. My goodness.") "I'm gonna shut my eyes and you're gonna lead me to the front door so I can go over to Hannelore's."

1853 "Gotta get going?" "Actually, I was thinking about staying here tonight." (Angus runs off to the bedroom, uncertain – leaving a very surprised Faye) "Okay, we're good to go." "Making sure you had condoms?" "...Maybe." "Real smooth, Barry White."

1854 "Is it cool if we, um, don't have sex yet?" (Gee, have we heard this before?) No! "...it's just nice having you here in my arms." (pause) Pimple the size of a DIME? "So much for my mental image of you as a flawless angel." "You're the one to talk, Captain Backhair. Which one of your parents was half Sasquatch?"

1855 Marigold makes it to Hanners' place; "We don't have to watch it, if you think it's gonna be too scary for you..." "No, no, you walked all the way over here...." AIEEEE!!! "This is just the opening credits!" "It's a spooky font!" [Nothing spooky about Myriad Pro]

1856 Hannelore fails at flirting: "But doesn't that FREAK YOU OUT? The coffee doesn't REALLY taste any different, but the chemicals in your head are LYING TO YOU! You can't count on your own brain to present an objective version of reality!" (Dora: "Hannelore, he was trying to flirt with you." Hanners: "Well he wasn't very good at it!") [SPECIALS update: Bacon(?) sausage latte; Granola(?) mocha; Crunchy(?) chai]

1857 Her name is Padma and she works at the Secret Bakery... BARISTA FIGHT! "You're pretty good. What is that, Muay Thai?" "Punch-fu, Savannah-style."

1858 "Would you PLEASE stop SPARRING in the middle of the STREET""I had no idea the staff of Coffee of Doom were so formidable... You guys serve pastries and stuff, right? Where do you get yours from?" "Ed Bronchovsky's up in Greenfield." "Really?... his stuff's not bad, but he just hasn't been the same since the big oven explosion of '98." (So that's how he got the glass eye and the twitch.)

1859 "We miss you over at the bakery, Angus. Well, everyone but Renee. (Is that who you dated last?) He'd come in just to flirt with her, and eventually they started dating." (Gee, that romantic arc sounds awfully familiar.) "It's not the same! I met Renee at a party first... So I have a type!" (Is that all I am to you? A "type"? Like a favored brand of SHOES?) "### #####it, Padma." (She's even CRANKY like Renee!)

1860 "Why else do you like me, then?" Hidden core of pure, molten bitchnium; "MY eventual goal is to be an evil millionaire..." the bands and trashy movies SHE likes "are way better than the ones YOU like." (You're just trying to make this difficult, aren't you.) "I am your type, after all."

1861 Steve "Finally startin' to check out other girls, huh?" Marten: "Well, I mean it's been WEEKS. I AM a single… dude… now…" SLAP! (Okay, maybe stare a little less long next time.) "I'm out of practice!"

1862 Don't tell me you're still hung up on Dora. "I'm not hung up on her! I just… it's complicated." I'm here for you, man! (No, seriously, I…) WE ARE BROS, MAN! WE! ARE! BROS! (UMASS fratboys: "BROS! BROS! BROS! BROS!") [Pink-shirt; backwards cap; "regular" guy]

1863 "So you're NOT over her. (No, I mean, I know it's over. I just… still miss her, y'know?) I understand, man. I mean, I never have that kinda problem, but be strong, it'll get better. (Er… right) Okay, my turn… The other night, Cosette… (erm, yeah) …and I LIKED IT." (pause for a drink) "Good talk, bro. Good talk." (Meanwhile, Marten's brain is fried)

1864 And what, from across the bar, to Marten's eyes appear, but… Padma! And she's WAVING! "I'll be right back." Steve: "My baby bird's finally left the nest!" (Will: "Er, I wouldn't wipe my eyes with that towel. We use it to clean up spills and bodily fluids.")

1865 "Fancy meeting you here, mister coffee-and-a-danish. (Heheh. My name's Marten, actually.) I'm Padma, this is Renee (BURRRP) and that's Elliot. ('Lo) (Nice to meet you.) So… (So…) Who's your cute friend over at the bar?" [Marten's look of complete rejection, and Elliot's look of abject horror]

1866 Padma thought Marten and Steve were a couple! "Come on, if I were into dudes I could do WAY better than THAT."

1867 Padma: "...You were FLIRTING with me! And you have a girlfriend! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" Steve: "MARTEN'S the one who wanted to get his flirt on with you." Marten: "Maybe you shouldn't have completely dominated the conversation, Talker Johnson, PI." (Rene: "They're ####in' awful at this." Padma: "I'm not even sure what they're trying to do.)

1868 Padma: "Oh, look at the time. I'd better get going." Marten: "It's gonna be really awkward if I go back to the bakery tomorrow, though." Elliot: "I'm sure Padma won't make a –" AAAAA!!! "How can a dude your size be so stealthy?!" (I tend to quietly loom. It's a problem.)

1869 Hannelore: "Ewww, you eat beef jerky?... It could be butt-meat!" Marigold: "It came from the steak part of the cow... Bee arr bee." (look, taste, chew...) "Did you eat all my jerky?!" "Mo! ...Mayme."

1870 Hanners freaks out over jerky! "My heart's going crazy from the sodium! I'm gonna have a heart attack!" "...If you could get a heart attack from one bag of jerky I'd have had like a hundred heart attacks by now." OH MY GOD WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL

1871 The Vulcan Boob Squish Returns! ("My boobs are a powerful narcotic.")

1872 "Hannelore, wake up. You're in my bed and I kinda..." (Hannelore speaks in C'thulu language – again – and it has a strong effect on Marigold!)

1873 Hannelore dreams she's Marigold – but she's NOT Marigold! (Fireman, Pint-Snake, Marten-a... and she wakes up SCREAMING!)

1874 Pintsize ghost-ridin'... the Roomba? (And since when did it have a subwoofer?)

1875 GUEST STRIP (RK Milholland): Marten and Dora meet up – but it was a setup! (Pintsize's "Ultimate Misery Climax") [Awesome background stuff: Red Robot statue from Diesel Sweeties; Michelle Weinstein poster; Noell Comic Archives; "Garlic Bread Kitty" – aka Choo-Choo Bear – is sent to avenge Pizza Girl's death! ]

1876 Cosette: "I can't believe you were FLIRTING with her!... Did he tell her the flashbang birthday party story?" (Uh, yeah?) [Gibbs Smack!] "YOU WERE FLIRTING! YOU JERK!"

1877 Marten, Steve and Cosette show up at TSB – and Cosette confronts Padma! "DID YOU HEAR THAT? I'M PRETTIER. ME." [Sign language: "I am watching you!"] (Marten tries to apologize) Padma: "Man, I still can't believe he's not gay!"

1878 "Hola, assbutt. How'd therapy go?" Dora: "Ugh, it was so frustrating... I sit down, we introduce ourselves... I mention I'm staying with Sven, and he's like, 'so tell me about your brother.' And then suddenly it's 45 minutes later and he wants to see me next week. We didn't even talk about ME!" (Faye Eyerolling: "...I'm sure you'll get around to it eventually.")

1879 Hannelore and Marigold "run into" Sven! Marigold's theory of pretty people – which Hannelore promptly deconstructs (with a QED on top). "Great, my self-loathing is the square root of 2."

1880 Marigold doesn't believe she's pretty – nor does she like the idea of a "makeover". "That's not how it WORKS in real life." Dora: "All you really need to get boys to be all over you is a sufficiently short skirt." Kevlar miniskirts to repel harpoons? [SPECIALS: Cayenne mocha, tequila latte (w/worm), cactus up the (hidden)]

1881 Tai stops by CoD! "Oh, I just wanted to say hi, and, y'know..." "Sure thing. It was good to see you. You should come by more often." "This is either butterflies in my stomach or food poisoning. I really hope it's just food poisoning." [Oh no Tai... oh nooooo]

1882 "So, how's the next Espressosaurus coming along?"... CLICK RRRRUMBLE BOOFSH "Definitely needs more work." Faye: "We could market it as a feature." Hanners: "I knew I brought my helmet to work today for a reason."

1883 "Whoa, nice black eye you got there, Wil." An extremely inebriated young man, homophobic slur, punched in the eye... (Pen: "Yeah, but wait'll you hear what Wil did to HIM!") "Everything went red, and next thing I knew he was sprawled on the sidewalk outside... (badass boyfriend) Er, about that..." (blacked out, took a swing at our bouncer Elliot, who then ejected the fellow) "That's not what you told me when you came home last night." "I'm a poet! I was using creative license!" (Faye: "Turns out Beowulf was actually about a Viking who killed a couple of spiders for his wife.")

1884 Hanners is home... and Faye and Angus are on the COUCH? "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY APARTMENT?!" "We were makin out on the stairs... one flight too many?" (I was in boob-trance) "The DOOR was LOCKED"

1885 "I'll never understand the appeal of kissing." (Angus: "It's pretty fun, actually") "It's DISGUSTING! The human mouth is absolutely FILTHY...And don't even get me started on FRENCH kissing. More like 'mashing your tongues together like a couple of horny sea slugs.'..." Faye: "Y'know, when she puts it that way..." Hanners: "YOU HAD A BONER ON MY COUCH?!"

1886 "So, where were we?" "Aaaactually, I was thinking... Maybe we could do some, ah, other things..." I would love to introduce my sea cucumber to your fuzzy clam." NEVERMIND.

1887 "Wow, that was... wow. Unexpected." "A lady always reserves the right to change her mind... Are you always this hyperactive after sex, or am I just that good?" "Who cares? I'm gonna go wrestle a bear." (NSFW)

1888 "Please tell me Faye's in the bedroom, and you're not just dancing around my apartment with nothing but a hot pink condom on." "It's really more of a puce."

1889 HAPPY ARBOR DAY 2003! (It was the only banner Pintsize had. "You should've SEEN that party. It was CRAZY.")

1890 Marten was "gonna back a cake, but Pintsize can't be trusted. Also, (he doesn't) know how to bake... So should we do the thing now?" "Oh, yeah. Might as well get that out of the way." (Confused Faye is confused) Dude, I hit it so hard the National Endowment For The Arts gave me a grant. Daaaaaaaaaang (I CAN STILL HEAR YOU, A$$#0|3S!)

1891 Marten's self-epiphany over Faye and Angus' relationship... "WOULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN THE INTROSPECTION I AM TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP" (Sorry, sorry!)

1892 Dora's looking for a new apartment – over in Amherst! "It's all the way across the river! We'll never see her again, outside of work! (It's twenty minutes away!) "Exactly. That's practically an overnight trip." (You tiny-state people have a really ####ed up sense of scale.)

1893 Dora tours the new apartment: "By the way, you're not a witch or wizard or anything, right?... We had to institute a strict no-sorcery policy because of our last tenant." (What? Why?) "Let me show you the kitchen."

1894 Sad Hanners: everything's CHANGING! Faye: "I know it's hard, but sometimes change is for the better." Hanners: "You should've seen me when I started wearing colored underwear. I was a mess for weeks." [SPECIALS: Savory muffins, meat tea (seitan option available), pizza water]

1895 Marigold's playing Dungeon Crawl @ CoD – and someone notices... Hanners: "Hi Dale!" [Shut Up, Shinji] "...tilesets are for babies." (I think he's flirting with you! "I hate him almost as much as I hate orc wizards.")

1896 Dora's taking that place in Amherst; Sven kinda liked having her around (though he'd done nothing but complain); Punchings, stealing Halloween candy, hiding toys... PRINCESS SPOOKYSPELL?! (He also has some fossilizes Snickers bars...)

1897 U-Mass study on long-term AnthroPC/human interactions (as Faye sharpens Chekov's Sword...) Pintsize won't do it, though... unless the interviewer has... ("I really hope we turn out to be a statistical anomaly...") [cump T-shirt sighting!]

1898 Clinton is your surveyor – with the robot prosthesis! Pintsize notices he's NOT A HOT CHICK AT ALL!

1899 The survey gets a little testy... FOUR???? Clinton: "Fascinating."

1900 The constitutional amendment allowing AI rights... oh, hi Hanners. "Clinton P. Augustus. Very pleased to meet you." (U-um, Hannelore Ellicott-Chatham. I don't shake hands.) "Wait... As in John Ellicott-Chatham?" (Y-yes, that's my dad.) OH MY GOD CAN I TOUCH YOU

1901 to 2000

1901 YELLING BIRD: Another New Character to QC... (cue Randy, Shelby, the Hawk, Sweet-tits...)

1902 I can't believe you're his daughter! He's one of the greatest geniuses of all time! (He's just my dad...) He helped develop the first true AI! He invented the quasiperpetual myomer! He's the Henry Ford of intelligent machine design! He pioneered sustainable AI-controlled orbital habitats! He designed the microsatellites that keep the earth's albedo stable! HE INVENTED THE ROBOT HAMSTER (Pant, pant) So what kind of enhancements did he give you? (MARTEN MAKE THE SCARY MAN GO AWAY) "Okay Tom Servo, it's movie sign. Get the #### out." (Brandishing Chekov's Sword!)

1903 Creepy Clinton was creepy. (Did your dad really invent all that stuff?) Yeah, didn't you know that? (I knew he was some kinda big scientist... is laser eyes something they could actually do?) I woulda lasered Clinton so hard.

1904 Marten: "So you really did grow up on a space station?..." Hanners: "Yes, when I wasn't in the hospital, or traveling with mom... It was... lonely. Dad never really had time for me... His work has always been more important to him... It's okay. He's done so many amazing things that help so many people! It's a fair trade for one somewhat-neglected daughter." (D'awww pause) "Well, he's missing out. You're pretty rad." "...nice of you to say, but honestly, I'm NOT as rad as, like, a swarm of cancer-fighting nanomachines."

1905 Hanners gets the "phone" out... "Hi, Dad? It's just Hannelore. I was just calling to say hello. How are you? (pause) O-oh, No, I understand. You're very busy. Sure, some other time. Bye." (D'awww pause; sad Hannelore, then) BIPBIP BIPBIP "Yes dad? (pause) NO I'm not PREGNANT"

1906 Sad Marten at The Secret Bakery... Padma asks if something's wrong – and Marten pours out his soul. "I was thinking about how at my old coffee place..." Padma: " I meant with your coffee. Is there something wrong with your coffee." (O-oh, no. It's fine.) "Great!" (Satisfied Padma – and sheepish Marten)

1907 Marten psyches himself up for his grand return to CoD: "Is Dora, uh, here?" Faye: "Nope. She's moving in to her new apartment today." "I spent all that time psyching myself up for nothing?!" (Would a sack of coffee beans help?)

1908 Clinton The Stalker appears at CoD! Hanners has her picture snapped; both Faye and Marten threaten violence against him ("Let me handle it, cupcake. You'll just end up hurting yourself."

1909 "You tracked her down at work via Twitter? And took a picture that you were gonna post online without her permission? Do you even UNDERSTAND why that might come off as a little creepy?" Clinton's sob story: if it weren't for her dad's inventions, he wouldn't have his hand; Hannerdad is the QC equivalent of Howard Hughes, and meeting his daughter was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity... and he blew it." ("Okay, okay. Untie him before Hannelore busts a heartstring." "Aw, you never let me murder anybody.")

1910 GUEST STRIP (Dave Willis, Shortpacked!): "Butts Disease!"

1911 "Initialize semi-autonomous mode!" – aka Famous Last Words of Nerds with artificial hands: "Thing here is about to have a date with the garbage disposal."

1912 Slapped him with his own hand! "I'm not your personal messenger, bucko..." Marten dictates a telegram to Dora, and Hanners beeps in Morse Code "... .. -. -.-. . .-. . .-.. -.-- --..-- / -- .- .-. - . -.", which translates to "SINCERELY, MARTEN"

1913 Faye: "We're stuck on the corner!" Sven: "Well lift your side then!" (Three Stooges Moving Day?) Dora: "KILL YOU BOTH" ("...drop this end we can get away while she's pinned in the stairwell." "On the count of three.")

1914 Tai stops by to help Dora move! [Unit number 119] Tai gets Dora's stuffed Bonercat (?) out of the truck; Faye: "You sure you don't need a hand? Wouldn't want you to get a hernia or anything."

1915 Dora takes off her top from being all sweaty – and Tai goes FULL MONTY! [and a well placed leap by Mieville] "Let's all towel off together!" Faye: "Get away from me"

1916 "So you seriously wanna hook up with Dora, eh." "I guess I'm pretty obvious, huh." (Oblivious Tai is oblivious) "You just ran two red lights and almost clipped that old lady in the crosswalk!" (I was wondering why she flipped me off.)

1917 Marigold's own anime isn't very good at Wish Fulfillment...

1918 Steve and Cosette are moving in together... Marten: "Aw, don't worry about it, dude. You two are great together. It'll be fine." Steve: "Yeah, but look what happened to you and Dora."

1919 A case of Portland-itis: "When a Northampton townie gets the irresistible urge to migrate to Portland, Oregon." (Grind them up into hipster chum to sell to the fisheries?)

1920 To Faye, 1997 was the best year for music; Angus: "You realize that makes you officially OLD, right?"

1921 PT410X had a little "accident" (overclocking went bad); the result isn't pretty (a cardboard box for a head?) Momo: "It looks... very natural!" [/me sighs]

1922 "Well hello there, miss Coffee of Doom. Come to sample our forbidden delights?... Here, try a cupcake. I guarantee they're better than anything YOU guys sell." (nom nom) "I'll dake doo dozem, bud you bedder nod EBER dell Dora. Umbersdanb?" (Umbersdoob.)

1923 "Your pastries might be better than ours, but your coffee is over-roasted and smells like feet." Dora roasts their own coffee, but she "has some secret process she won't even tell (Faye) about." Steal the secret to their baked goods' superiority? (hope Elliott doesn't go into berserker mode)

1924 Faye and Padma "negotiate"... but forget about Hanners and Elliott!

1925 Exit Faye and Padma... and Hanners and Elliott are left in the Awkward Zone: "You're very tall..." "Ah, but what if you put a male okapi in space?"

1926 Jim, the owner of TSB, meets Dora! "Huh, this really is better than the stuff we brew." "HAH! IN YOUR FACE! WOO! S-sorry, I can be a little competitive when it comes to coffee." "That's funny, my wholesale price just went up 10% and I have no idea why."

1927 Lawyers? "Ha ha! Kidding, kidding. I don't even have a lawyer." (Ha-ha) "Not since the divorce, anyway... No, seriously, I fired him. Guy couldn't negotiate his way out of a paper bag."

1928 "I gotta say, I'm impressed someone your age put together a business this successful." (How old do you think I am?) "25, 26?... It was simple deduction. Anyone younger than that looks like a kid to me, y'know? But you're a real woman." (Silver fox on the prowl! "What? Foxes?")

1929 Northampton Bonercats Summer Kickball League!

1930 Hanners and Elliott are STILL back at TSB! "Do you think they'll be back soon?" "I hope so."

1931 Hanners: "You left me here!" Why didn't you want to go with Elliott? "I don't know him! He could be a KNIFE KILLER!" Elliott, have you ever killed anything with a knife? "Um... yes. (looks of horror) I-I go fishing sometimes!"

1932 Penelope answers the door to... PIZZA GIRL! AAAAAAAAAAAA "Nice try, but yer not gonna throw me off your trail that easy." It really happened, dammit!

1933 Tai: "Hey Marten, are you doing anything this Friday? We're throwing a big end-of-the-semester party... I was gonna invite Dora too. Would that be weird?" (Wait, is this some kind of convoluted scheme to get us back together?) "Um, actually... kind of the exact opposite." (It ain't a real Smif party without a mutual homicide.)

1934 Muffin delivery! But Dora forgot something... "Our, uh, our coffee beans." OH$#!+

1935 "Oh my god, I am SO sorry. You must think I'm completely unprofessional... Here's what I had roasted for us. Take it... It'll be fine! I can just roast more for us today... DAMMIT JIM, I'M TRYING TO BE THE MORE ACCOMMODATING PARTY HERE"

1936 "You GAVE HIM all our COFFEE?... What are we gonna do until it's ready?" (Just tell people we're out and that we'll have more in a little while.) Customer: "Hi, could I get a large latte with –"

NO.

"Ahahaha oh man that feels so GOOD! This is gonna be the best morning ever!"

1937 Marten and Steve: "So I think Tai is seriously gonna make a move on Dora." "Yeah?" "Can you see why I'm kinda weirded out?" "I dunno, dude. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Letting the rest of us see Tai and Dora makin' out is one of those times." "Pintsize said the same thing. I hope you're proud of yourself." (Pintsize is a chill bro.)

1938 Gross and foamy coffee is degassing. "Coffee beans release carbon dioxide? Oh god COFFEE CONTRIBUTES TO GLOBAL WARMING" (Meanwhile, Oblivious Faye is oblivious – and trying to figure out how to get by on beans from the grocery market.)

1939 RAVEN RETURNS! "Thank you, Science Fairy!" ...who kinda needs a job because "if I'm not working this summer I hafta move back in with my parents."

1940 Dora: "We can't serve them #####-### store-bought coffee!" Faye: "Look, if someone brings it up, we just say, 'yeah we had problems with our roaster and had to use crappier beans today' and give it to 'em for free." "That's unethical!" "Oh yeah, because we have such a strict code of ethics here." "We did before you wiped your @$$ with it." "Maybe I wouldn't have, if you didn't insist on buying that scratchy one-ply toilet paper."

1941 "Large Latte for Marten!" (She remembered his name!) It's the first batch of beans from COD; "I feel a sense of... sadness, tempered by fond nostalgia." ("####it, I told Renee to clean the espresso machine last night."

1942 Townie drama? "Townies have to be BORN here. I'm originally from California." Renee: "Dude, if you can't go to a coffeeshop in town because of a breakup? You're a ###### townie."

1943 "So... we're officially dating, right?" "What?..." "Say it, then. Say I'm your boyfriend." "Fine. You're my boafregh. My boyfremb. My borthrelm. You're... you're my boyfling####IT I'M SORRY" "This is way cuter than I was expecting." (Raven: "Ooh, I want a boyfling!") [Malaysian Battle Spatula!]

1944 Jim stops by to see how things were going... Great! Yeah. (cough) "Would you like to have dinner with me this weekend?" (there goes the coffee mug...)

1945 Dora: "Oh, Tai! What's up?" Tai: "We're throwing a party this Friday and I was hoping you could come." Dora: "Oh, I'd love to, but I already made plans. I'm sorr-" Raven: "She's got a DATE! With a SEXY OLDER MAN! (pause) Um, Tai? Why is your eye twitching?" Allergies

1946 Faye: "I can't believe you're going on a DATE with that creeper." Dora: "Why is he a creeper?... No pussyfooting around the issue, no stupid drama. It's a refreshing change of pace." [Is someone retconning their past relationships?] "It's just one date. What's the harm in that?" "'It's just one full moon,' the werewolf said. 'What's the harm in that?'" (If Dora's a werewolf, that makes Faye Frankenstein's monster... and Raven wants to be a sexy Baba Yaga!)

1947 Purple Glooooom at the Library... "You don't have to worry about Dora being at the party on Friday. (How come?) She's apparently got a DATE with some GUY." Gloooooooooom

1948 Raven's got the Espressosaur figured out! RRRRUMBLE KRAK FLASH! "Wh... what did you..." "If my calculations are correct, it should reappear in 96763 seconds with an amazing cup of espresso." [Either that or raccoon fur and paintball residue...]

1949 Confessional time: Tai wanted to get with Dora, but didn't know how to bring it up with Marty; Marty was uncomfortable about it, but it's not his place to say she can't date her. "It's okay, we're still bros." (Return of the UMass Fratboys!) Sssshhhh [Chunky Bro, Pink shirt Bro, Hatless Bro]

1950 IT'S JEPH'S ####### BIRTHDAY! (31 years old!)

1951 Faye and Marten on the couch! Marten found out about the Date. Faye: "Can I give you some gentle advice? Being bitter isn't goinna make you feel any better. I mean, I understand why you feel that way, but... it doesn't help. I know from experience." Marty: "...Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry." "Whoa, wait, that actually WORKED? Try it on ME! I'm still bitter as ####!"

1952 "Good luck? You're not going to try to dissuade me?" "It's your life. Do what you want." "You're being reasonable. That makes me nervous." (Just go on your stupid date)

1953 Dora rockin' the little black dress! [New apartment number is 8] "Don't blow all your flattery at the beginning of the date. I need a steady stream of compliments or I get cranky." "I apologize in advance for chewing with my mouth open. You're just so jaw dropping." (Okay, I was joking about the constant compliments.)

1954 Jim turns 41 in July; "Oh good. You're not actually old enough to be my dad." "You're a beautiful, intelligent young lady who runs a successful business in a challenging industry. Age has nothing to do with it. You could be THIRTY and I'd still find you attractive. (That's still ten years younger than you.) Okay, maybe I'm a LITTLE bit of a dirty old man."

1955 GUEST STRIP (John Allison, Bad Machinery): Pintsize helps come up with Dora's business issues! (Or not...) " Dora, robots are our FUTURE."

1956 The date: Dora worked at coffee shops all through college, and decided to work for herself; "I always say if the shop ever tanks, I'm gonna take up a career in –" "Bank robbery?"

1957 Phone call... from his daughter? Walked home from mother's house? "I don't know, honey. Maybe a couple hours? Yes, I'll call you when I'm on my way..." (Meanwhile: "Okay, I totally have time to clean this up." [Gee, is she related to Cosette?]

1958 "So when were you gonna tell me you had a kid?" "Her name is Samantha and she's 13, she's a bit of a tomboy, very creative... is something wrong?" "Sorry, I was just doing the math and realized you were, like, MY age when you had her." "Yup! Which means you're the PERFECT age to start breeding!" Check Please!

1959 Meanwhile, At The Party... Marigold tries to "get down" – and Hanners isn't helping. [Class of Whenever girl; Purple Mohawk girl; Coed spilling beer; Pink Angel Wing Shirt Guy]

1960 Awful little mewling poo-larvae. "...this is the first date I've been on since I broke up with my ex." "Hey, me too. Let me know if I'm coming on too strong. I'm out of practice." "When did you get divorced?" "Well, technically... next Tuesday." "You're joking. Right?" "NOW you're getting the hang of it!"

1961 YELLING BIRD celebrates "FREEDOM DAY, B#####S"

1962 "I guess we just work better as friends than we did as spouses." "God, I wish I could get to that point with my ex." [Basic summary of Dora/Marten's relationship from her point of view...] "You make it sound like it was totally your fault." "No, a lot of it was him, too, but... I'm such a mess. I probably shouldn't be dating ANYBODY right now. (pause for realization to set in) $#!+."

1963 Understanding Jim is understanding: "If you've got issues to work out, you need to do that. It wouldn't be fair to either of us if we tried to force things... You didn't lead me on. It's just not meant to be, right now. Who knows, maybe once you get things sorted out we can give it another try. Until then, friends?" (HUG) "Friends."

1964 Marten's at the party, Marigold doesn't want to dance – and then suddenly: DORA!

1965 When Dora finally talked to Marten; "ARE THEY KISSING I CAN'T LOOK TELL ME IF THEY'RE KISSING"

1966 Catching up and idle chit-chat; "So... are we cool, now?" "I'm cool if you are." "This is weird. I've never really been friends with an ex before." "It's nice. I won't have to drag your body out to the old quarry."

1967 Dora heads inside; "Make sure you let Tai know you're here, she'll be thrilled." (All eyes on Dora!) "What the #3!! is everyone looking at?" Hanners: "I'm sorry!" Random Smif student: "We saw your friends watching you and thought something interesting was going on."

1968 THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP "Hey – " "#### OFF I'M BUSY" THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Tai does the double take) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP ("AGH!" Hanners gets roped into DJ'ing) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Hanners puts on the headphones: "I don't know how to – " "JUST NOD YOUR HEAD AND PRETEND TO CLICK THINGS") THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP (Hanners does a quick read of the Ableton Live user guide) THOOMP THOOMP THOOMP

1969 To the other porch! Tai: "I thought you had a date tonight." Dora: "I did. He's a really nice guy, but he's looking for a relationship... just not ready for that right now." Tai: "What about no-strings-attached casual sex?" "Why, are you offering?" (blushing stammered half-reply) "I know, you work with Marten. It'd be weird." Sad Tai: "Right."

1970 Faye joins Marten on the porch; "So you and Dora are cool now?" "I guess so." "Are you gonna come in and hang out with us, or sit out here and look all Zen-contented for the rest of the night?" "I'd like to come inside but both my legs are asleep."

1971 GUEST STRIP (Chris Hallbeck, Maximumble): Fun at the Coffee of Doom! (Ice coffee, caffeine overdose, real money, "egg muffins" and the flashing coat hook in the bathroom)

1972 GUEST STRIP (Dave Willis, Shortpacked!): How Hannelore Handles Her Butt-wiping?

1973 GUEST STRIP (Dave Kellett, Sheldon): Defense-Net 10 visits Hannelore! (No, that's supposed to be Dora in the background.)

1974 GUEST STRIP (Evan Dahm, Rice Boy): Coffee of Doom in repose (but where's the door to the back room?)

1975 GUEST STRIP (Zach Weiner, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal): Hanners is afraid that robots will take over the world. Six years from now, who'll care?

1976 GUEST STRIP (Danielle Corsetto, Girls With Slingshots): Hannelore helps Marigold clean out that "special drawer" with her Space Rubber suit!

1977 GUEST STRIP (Randy K. Milholland, Something*Positive): For the LAST TIME, Faye, I am NOT PIZZA GIRL! (Isn't that right, Garlic Bread Kitty?) [Choo-Choo Bear cameo!]

1978 Gallery owner: "I commissioned you to do a dinosaur espresso machine?" Faye: "It disappeared..." Raven: "Don't worry, I'm sure it'll turn up sooner or later." KRAK [It reappears!] Faye: "What" Raven: "Adams' Law... Basically, the universe has a sense of humor." ("My gallery would be RUINED if it suddenly turned into a sperm whale.")

1979 Raven took out the "Parallel entanglement processing core" and it works! "Great! Here's a check." "Danke schön." Dora: "Do you know who that guy is?... He runs that super-fancy gallery shop on Main Street. It's won 'coolest store in America' like five years running." [Gee, Dora, why didn't you remember that back in 1645?] "...I shoulda asked for like TWICE as much money." (And they say artists can't be good salespeople.)

1980 Marten drops in! "So we really are cool? You weren't just being nice to avoid awkwardness last night?" "Hahah, nah, we're cool." "So..." "Yeah..." (meaningful pause) "We're both remembering the last time we had sex, aren't we." "Second-to-last time, actually." "Ooh, yeah. That was way better."

1981 "Meet any intriguing young ladies at the party last night?" "Oh, I, uh, wasn't really looking." (Marten Reed, professional indie ogler!) "Not really looking, eh?" "Figuratively speaking."

1982 "I'm not mad at you, I just think it's funny." "...you're not the only one who has #### they gotta figure out before they date anybody else." "Sweetie, your problem's simple. You just have to figure out what you want from life, then go for it." Cheeseburger. Haircut. (Haircut first, no meat-burps.) "A truly earthshaking personal epiphany."

1983 Creepy hairdresser! "I'm working on an art installation. A hundred-foot tube, barely big enough for a person to crawl through, lined with human hair. Visitors would emerge harrowed and forever changed by the experience." SNIP!

1984 "Figure out what I want, eh. What do I want?" (pause) "Hannelore!" "Yes?" "Wait, how did I know you were gonna be in my apartment?" "Why am I in your apartment?"

1985 "It's been forever since we played any music!" Amir! "Hey dudes. I was wonderin' if you'd ever come back." (Have you been... living here?) "How do you even shower?!" "Shower?" I'm going home

1986 Wow, that was the Best Song We've Ever Played! Marten: "Yeah, turns out it's really hard to tune my guitar by ear when you guys are playing at the same time." Amir: "Well, go throw your guitar down the stairs and let's play it agan."

1987 What was that riff? "Dude, that's the riff from 'Enter Sandman'." (Hanners: "I don't want to be in a Metallica cover band!")

1988 Hanners: "...my kick-drum leg is really tired." (Wait, you're doing all that double-kick stuff with ONE LEG?) "That's not how you're supposed to do it?" (How is that even possible?) Tikkatikkatikkatikka [Magic Motion Animated GIF Strip!] (It's like a ######### Tool video!)

1989 "Amir said 'when we play live.' Does that mean we're going to play a CONCERT someday?" (I dunno, maybe.) "What was your first concert like?" (Flashback: Marten playing the piccolo for Mom and Dad!) "The, uh, the crowd was really into it..." (full blush)

1990 Hanners doesn't know if she could play in front of people; Marten: "That's what's great about being in a band. You're not alone up there."; Faye: "You realize there are gonna be ^#(| of creepy douches hitting on her if you ever play a show." "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Preferably with a tank battalion."

1991 Marigold and Hannelore: mutual sleep-deprivation freakouts! (Pen: "Would you tell them to go home and get some sleep already?" Faye: "I tried. Five times. They keep forgetting.")

1992 Marigold sleeps over on Hanner's couch; "You just... take your hobbies very seriously!" (Goes to sleep at 4:06, alarm goes off at 9:17... and Marigold is playing on her netbook!) "Marigold Louise Farmer! You are grounded!" (Aw!)

1993 Marigold: "You can't ground me, I'm a grownup now!" (It's for your own good.) [Ringtone: "JOUJOU YUUJOU! BANJI MAJI KAICHOU!"] "Hi dad, wha – the site's down? No, I didn't BREAK SOMETHING. No, it's not the 'Red Chinese,' you run a SHOE WEBSITE... Okay, okay, stop yelling! I'll go home and take a look." (Hanners doesn't believe her, and talks to dad) "Is it true that you're having website trouble?... Oh, I'm sorry! I banned her from video games for the next three days, and I thought she was trying to fool me. (pause) Yes, I think so too. Have a nice evening!" (Well?) "Your father wants me to extend it to a week." AUGH

1994 Back at Mari's place: "No video games for the next three days. Momo will make sure you stick to it. Understand?" (Yes, Hannelore... Evil stare of death – and sad look at Momo!) "Do not give me that look. Hannelore is right, this will be good for you." <bribe_mode> "I'll buy you that new chassis you've been looking at!" "The – the Mitsubishi PX-3500?... But it cost thirty thousand..." I'LL TAKE OUT A LOAN JUST LEMME PLAY SOME FRIGGIN' VIDEO GAMES

1995 Marigold gets the site back up; Momo: "You should go to sleep now... were you serious about helping me purchase that new chassis?" (A loan? That'd be crazy.) "I could get a job! To – to pay off the loan! It would take a while, but..." (Don't be silly. 'Sides, I like you just the way you are.) And while she sleeps... Resume time!

Momo-Tan (Sony KawaiiPC Serial #SD94637)

Age: 85147200 seconds

Gender: Artificial Intelligence, Female

Address: 14 Elm Grove Ln. Apt. 8, Northampton MA 01060

Prior Work Experience: None

Relevant Skills

• Full suite of information processing software

• ~97 TB data storage space

• Capable of generating up to 250mA DC electric shock

• Eel Handling

1996 Momo and Mari going for a ride! Where? "It's a secret!" (Why are we at the mall?) "You'll see." "Welcome to Idoru. My name is Leda. How may I assist you this morning?" (Crying Momo) "P-PLEASE do not return me! I am sorry for expressing unhappiness with my current chassis! I will never mention it again! Please, PLEASE do not send me back!" Leda: "'Returning' a sentient intelligence that has bonded with you emotionally? You MONSTER." (W-what? No!) [Sign 1: "A.I. os 4.0 The artificial intelligence paradigm. Guaranteed not to go insane and kill your loved ones."]

[JEPH: Artificial intelligences are created in a virtual environment, where they are stored in a "creche" of other AIs in their generation. When bootstrapped to self-awareness, they are given a choice of function- commercial use (AnthroPCs), military, scientific, etc, or allowed to subsume in the global meta-AI. If they choose to go into "retail" they are allowed to choose a self-identity and are shipped to a reputable "dealer" (such as Idoru, in today's strip) where they are put up for "sale."

Purchase of an AI is not a binding contract- either party is free to terminate the relationship at any time, and the transaction agent will refund the contract fee. The use of terms like "sale" and "owner" are considered offensive by some, and are becoming rather politically incorrect (my use of them here is solely for sake of comparison, hence the quotation marks).

One would think that the majority of AIs would choose to simply be given a chassis and left to make their own way in the world, but the majority who do not go into a specialized profession choose to pair up with a human "owner." There has been much speculation by both humans and AIs as to the reason for this- no aspect of their programming indicates a cause for such a bias. The general consensus is that the average AI simply finds your average human entertaining, and enjoys the companionship.

tl;dr I am a big ol nerd]

1997 "If – if Marigold says it is okay, I would like to get a new chassis..." (It's okay.) [Sign 2: "The Idoru Handmaiden Series: Four great AnthroPC models. Four great prices. Ask an associate today." A couple of Pintsize-like models, one male and two female chassis in background] Leda: "This isn't my first chassis, either. I spent the first four years of my existence as a sentient forklift... I was the AI on a nuclear ballistic submarine... I asked to be transferred to a standard civilian chassis. And would you believe it? They forgot to delete the launch codes!" (EVIL LAUGHTER!) (Marigold hugs Momo in fear!) "Anyway, we have a lovely selection of wonderful chassis. Shall we take a look?"

1998 Chassis shopping: The base model? "I want something with more personality." (Mari: "No offense"; Leda is apparently an "upgraded" base model"); Perhaps the deluxe version – (Ugh. Blgh. The difference is in the... uhm, "chest"?); The Izumi-04 is a VERY popular – (Momo looks at Marigold: "No." Mar: "Aw!") [Lucky Star Manga girl! Red Robot from Diesel Sweeties and Metropolis robot] What about this one? BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA! (Hahaha, that never gets old. "Charlotte, the manager said no more scaring the customers!" [Happy Toasters in the background!]

1999 Charlotte used to be a bank AI; "Do a lot of you, um, change careers like this?" Charlotte: "Oh, most of us are happy with our chosen role. (Toaster: "I make bread FUN!" – Charlotte tosses her aside) But there's so much MORE to the world! So many different PEOPLE and PLACES and SMELLS! (Smells? "Don't ask" as Leda catches the toaster) I just COULDN'T be stuck in a server room for the rest of my life. My LIFE! I'm ALIVE! I don't care about the semantics, I'm ALIVE, dammit, and it's WONDERFUL! I could just SING about it!" (singing off-screen) "The maaaaaalls are aliiiiiive, with sound of peeeeeople" Leda: "The manager said no more in-store musical numbers!" [Momo's consoling the toaster, while there's a rolling security bot in the background]

2000 Momo: "Is it okay if I try this one out?" [It looks like... FART-CHAN!] USB port activated... Momo wakes, looks down at her (not THERE, you pervs) hands and starts to smile when: "erk" (tongue out, eyes and fingers going askew) Leda: "It looks like you may have some corrupted registry files." Momo: "Thah the lah tihe I looh up thethy yaoi thithes hor you." (I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!)